I\u2019d hoped for thick, glossy hair swept up into a soft, elegant bun. That\u2019s not what I got. I\u2019d forgotten that blow dryers have an Incinerate setting. After five minutes of intense drying, I looked like I\u2019d backcombed my entire head. I was the \u201cbefore\u201d picture in the conditioner ads.<\/p>\n
I slathered my hair with mousse and wrestled my split ends into rollers. Unfortunately, hot rollers don\u2019t work properly if you leave damp spots in your hair. I didn\u2019t get curls\u2014I got odd, random wavy patches that looked vaguely like speed bumps. I\u2019d created a hairstyle that could best be described as \u201cIs That Even Fixable?\u201d The answer: No.<\/p>\n
I clamped my hair back using a cheap plastic clip, and then my mother\u2014who firmly believes it\u2019s time for me to grow up and cut my damned hair\u2014doused me with half a bottle of maximum hold hairspray. Not one frizzy strand escaped her attention. She\u2019d created a certified bike helmet.<\/p>\n
Lesson #2: If you haven\u2019t worn eye makeup in five years, do a trial run before the day of the wedding<\/strong><\/p>\n I bought mascara, eyeliner and an eyelash curler one week before the wedding. Smart move. Then I waited until one hour before the wedding to pry my purchases out of their cellophane wrappers and try to use them. Not a smart move.<\/p>\n The last time I\u2019d used an eyeliner, it had looked, and acted, like a pencil crayon\u2014a few swipes and a subtle hint of color miraculously appeared on my lids. Today\u2019s eyeliners appear to be manufactured by the same company that makes permanent markers. One swipe, and I looked like I\u2019d smeared a thick line of black tar across my right lid. While having a seizure.<\/p>\n I couldn\u2019t find any makeup remover, so I used olive oil to get rid of the black streak. After much scrubbing, I was back to bare skin. I decided to play it safe and skip the eyeliner. But can you guess what happens when you curl short, poker-straight eyelashes after soaking them in olive oil? I\u2019ll give you a hint: They don\u2019t curl. Ever. I clamped the eyelash curler onto my lashes and squeezed and squeezed and squeezed. I still had straight eyelashes.<\/p>\n Getting more frantic (it was now 40 minutes until the wedding), I ditched the eyelash curler and brushed on the lengthening mascara. It didn\u2019t lengthen. With every swipe, my lashes got lumpier and stickier. The individual lashes happily piggybacked on each other, forming thick clumps covered with a bark-like coating of mascara. Instead of long, curled lashes, I had stubby little tree trunks sprouting straight out of my upper lids. Just before racing out the door, I popped in my contact lenses. I haven\u2019t worn contacts in five years, and my eyeglass prescription has changed since then. Turns out, my contact lens prescription should have changed, too.<\/p>\n I could see well enough out of my right eye to identify faces. But the left one was so blurry, my eyes couldn\u2019t actually focus together. My left eye mutinied and spent the entire day looking around at random sites\u2014blurry flowers, blurry lights, blurry guests\u2014while my right eye tried, in vain, to keep me informed about what was in front of me, such as the bride, the groom, steep stairs and the occasional wall.<\/p>\n On the plus side, having one completely unusable eye meant I lost all depth perception\u2014so my crunchy helmet hair and spiky bark lashes didn\u2019t look nearly<\/em> as bad (to me) as they would have if I\u2019d had 20\/20 vision. As long as I\u2019m not in any of the wedding photos, I\u2019ll be happy.<\/p>\n Here’s the cute couple!<\/p>\n
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\nLesson #3: If you haven\u2019t worn contact lenses in five years, try them on before the big day to make sure you\u2019ll be able to see<\/strong><\/p>\n
![\"Mike&Leah\"](\"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/MikeLeah.jpg\")
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