Good news: I\u2019m taking an online humor writing course, so I\u2019m about to get funny\u2014really funny. You\u2019ll need Depends.<\/p>\n
But I haven\u2019t finished the course, yet, so today I\u2019d like to talk about a very serious issue: Spring onion infestations.<\/p>\n
Last week, a person who claims<\/em> to like my family dropped off a 20-pound bucket of spring onions. He didn\u2019t ask if we wanted them\u2014just handed me the bucket and ran.<\/p>\n I hate wasting food\u2014but what do you do with 20 pounds of spring onions? I learned a few lessons during that harrowing week, and I\u2019m going to pass those lessons on to you. You\u2019re welcome.<\/p>\n Lesson #1: Sometimes Google is useless.<\/strong> I tried googling \u201chow to use up spring onions.\u201d Apparently, I\u2019m the only person who has ever had a spring onion crisis. The recipes that required more than eight onions were all hopelessly vague (\u201ctoss them into your next smoothie\u201d\u2026\u201duse them to make our Invigorating Facial Scrub\u201d\u2026). Google, you let me down.<\/p>\n Lesson #2: Spring onions are jerks.<\/strong> You know how chopping cooking onions makes your eyes water? That doesn\u2019t happen with spring onions. Not because they\u2019re milder, but because they\u2019re nice<\/em>. Get spring onions angry\u2014by mincing up two or three pounds of their closest friends\u2014and they\u2019ll turn into midget cooking onions and spray you with noxious, eye-searing gasses. I may never be able to wear contact lenses again.<\/p>\n Lesson #3: Spring onions are full of surprises.<\/strong> I tried to make Spring Onion Cakes. What I actually<\/em> made were Grit Cakes. Turns out you can\u2019t just rinse spring onions\u2014you need to power wash them, because they contain enough grit to make an Invigorating Facial Scrub (see Lesson #1).<\/strong><\/p>\n Lesson #4: Spring onions will last longer if you\u2026oh, give up. It\u2019s hopeless.<\/strong> Keep them dry, put them in water, leave them on the counter, put them in the fridge\u2026whatever you do, a 20-pound bucket of spring onions will stay fresh for approximately 55 minutes. Then the outer leaves will decompose, forming a soft, slippery, slimy, mushy coating that you\u2019ll have to [gag] peel off with your bare hands in order to [shudder] find the still-edible bits hidden underneath. Excuse me while I go stick my hands in bleach. Again.<\/p>\n I did manage to use up the whole bucket of onions. I ate onion stir-fries, onion sandwiches, onion soups and onion salads. I even grilled some, pickled some and froze some. Then I closed all the blinds and told everyone we\u2019d moved. The best way to deal with a spring onion infestation is to relocate to prevent the next one.<\/p>\n Did you enjoy this post? Subscribe to my blog and you\u2019ll never miss my once-a-month updates! It\u2019s easy: Just enter your email address in the upper right corner of this page. I\u2019ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information, because I hate it when people do that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Good news: I\u2019m taking an online humor writing course, so I\u2019m about to get funny\u2014really funny. You\u2019ll need Depends. But I haven\u2019t finished the course, yet, so today I\u2019d like to talk about a very serious issue: Spring onion infestations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"yes","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-346","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=346"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":348,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/346\/revisions\/348"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=346"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=346"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=346"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}