These days, my favorite breakfast is plain yogurt topped with pomegranate seeds and Bran Buds. The Bran Buds are there because they\u2019re loaded with sugar, which helps hide the fact that plain yogurt\u2014although healthy\u2014tastes like solidified goat snot.<\/p>\n
The problem is the pomegranates. Although I love them, I could crochet an afghan in the time it takes me to pick out all the seeds. Pomegranates get their name from the French term \u201cpomme garnete” which\u2014roughly translated\u2014means \u201cthis is going to take all day.\u201d<\/p>\n
Today\u2019s mission: figure out how to quickly<\/em> deseed a pomegranate. Naturally, I turned to google:<\/p>\n \u2028Option #1:<\/strong> Cut the pomegranate in half. Hold each half over a bowl and beat the hell out of it with a spoon until the seeds drop into the bowl.<\/p>\n Option #2:<\/strong> Chop off the pomegranate\u2019s hat. Make six long slits down the sides, then beat the hell out of it with a spoon until the seeds drop into the bowl.<\/p>\n Option #3:<\/strong> Fill a bowl with water. Rip the pomegranate open and hold it under water until it drowns and the seeds drift sadly to the bottom of the bowl.<\/p>\n I tried all three approaches, and I\u2019m here to report that google\u2019s pomegranate experts are evil.<\/p>\n First of all, not one<\/em> of them mentioned that beating a pomegranate triggers the fight-or-flight response in the seeds. They launch themselves in every direction, skidding across counters, crashing to the floor, rolling under cabinets\u2026basically, landing everywhere except in the bowl.<\/p>\n And not one<\/em> of them mentioned that pomegranate juice looks like blood. So if you cut your thumb while cutting a pomegranate, your kitchen will end up looking like a crime scene.<\/p>\n The pomegranate experts also never mentioned that pomegranates are one of the more vengeful fruits, and their juice stings like salt when it attacks an open wound.<\/p>\n Oh, and that drown-em-in-water trick? Another devious lie. When I submerged a pomegranate in water, fewer than half of the seeds actually drifted to the bottom of the bowl. Many of them exploded, clouding the water with their pinkish innards, while the more lively ones burrowed deeper into the pomegranate, turning the morning into a soggy game of hide and seed.<\/p>\n My suggestion: If you\u2019re not willing to sell a kidney to pay for jars of the seeds, then buy whole pomegranates and use the Patented Seed Extractor (that\u2019s your thumb) to slowly pick the seeds out yourself. Just make sure you\u2019ve booked the morning off work. And cover any skin cuts with waterproof bandages\u2014pomegranates can be vengeful little jerks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" These days, my favorite breakfast is plain yogurt topped with pomegranate seeds and Bran Buds. The Bran Buds are there because they\u2019re loaded with sugar, which helps hide the fact that plain yogurt\u2014although healthy\u2014tastes like solidified goat snot. The problem is the pomegranates.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=411"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/411\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":417,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/411\/revisions\/417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}