I\u2019ve decided to ditch my usual New Year\u2019s resolutions. The odds that I\u2019ll actually become uber-fit, learn to meditate or cut back on coffee are\u2014and here, I\u2019m making a rough calculation\u2014zero. Instead, for my 2017 New Year\u2019s resolution, I\u2019ve decided to focus on worrying my kids. Now, hear me out:\u2028\u2028<\/p>\n
Some day, I am not<\/em> going to be the sharp, witty person that I am today. There\u2019s a pretty good chance that some day, I\u2019ll be bat shit crazy and my kids will be forced to say things like, \u201cMom, don\u2019t you think 12 cats is enough?\u201d and \u201cMom, please<\/em> stop putting underwear on your head.\u201d<\/p>\n I believe it\u2019s now illegal\u2014even in Canada\u2014to put elders on ice floes and shove them out to sea. So my kids need to be prepared for my mental decline. Not just emotionally, but also financially. I don\u2019t want to be stuck in some el-cheapo senior\u2019s home. I want to be in one that has an open bar every night, soaker tubs in the bathrooms and a free masseuse. That<\/em> type of home is going to be expensive, so my kids need to start preparing now, while they still have a decade or two to save up.<\/p>\n To get them motivated, I\u2019m going to start making small, yet very worrying changes in my behavior. Changes that my kids will instantly know<\/em> are signs that Trouble Is Looming and they need to save up for my future care.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what I\u2019m considering:<\/p>\n 1. I\u2019ll insist that pimples are Major Medical Emergencies that only heal if covered with duct tape. Every time one of my kids steps in the house, I\u2019ll sprint toward them with a large roll of duct tape and search their faces for any blemishes that require \u201ctreatment.\u201d<\/p>\n 2. I\u2019m going to announce that pictures are supposed<\/em> to hang crooked on the walls, and I\u2019ll have a tantrum if any kid tries to straighten them.<\/p>\n 3. I\u2019ll buy a vegan, gluten-free, low-fat cookbook\u2014and threaten to use it.<\/p>\n 4. I\u2019ll insist that we should open a daycare specifically for colicky kids (even screaming balls of snot and fury need somewhere to stay during the day).<\/p>\n I think that will be a pretty good start. If I don\u2019t see clear signs that my kids are saving up for a posh senior\u2019s home, I\u2019ll get more serious about this. In 2018, I might actually start wearing pants\u2014instead of pajamas\u2014while I work. And I\u2019ll start hanging the toilet paper roll the wrong way (and we all know what way that<\/em> is).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I\u2019ve decided to ditch my usual New Year\u2019s resolutions. The odds that I\u2019ll actually become uber-fit, learn to meditate or cut back on coffee are\u2014and here, I\u2019m making a rough calculation\u2014zero. Instead, for my 2017 New Year\u2019s resolution, I\u2019ve decided to focus on worrying my kids. Now, hear me out:\u2028\u2028<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-427","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=427"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":429,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/427\/revisions\/429"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=427"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=427"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=427"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}