The world is divided into two types of people: (a) those who are willing to undertake costly and time-consuming renovations, in the hopes of increasing the functionality and\/or value of their home and (b) those who are sane. I am, of course, in group A. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve already put my home\u2014which is a youthful 220-years-old\u2014through a series of grueling renovations (grueling for me, anyway). My goal<\/em> is to restore this old home to its former glory. My hope<\/em> is that I don\u2019t end up starring in a sequel to The Money Pit<\/strong> by the time I\u2019m done.<\/p>\n Now, I\u2019m facing the biggest job. The one that promises to be the most disruptive, the most expensive and the most soul-sucking of all: The kitchen, laundry room and powder room.<\/p>\n That chunk of the house may have been glorious back when indoor plumbing was invented. But thanks to subsequent renovations, its original solid wood doors, deep baseboards, crown molding and beautiful trim are gone. In their place is a less classy version of the kitchen featured in That \u201870s Show<\/em>. Yes, I even have the green cabinets and peeling, square-edged laminate countertops.<\/p>\n But my reasons for tackling this insanity-inducing project go far beyond vanity. Here\u2019s what I would like:<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like to get rid of the thermocline.<\/strong> Insulation wasn\u2019t on anyone\u2019s radar when this house was built. The laundry room functions as a second fridge in the winter, and there\u2019s a hole behind the bathroom cabinet that\u2019s large enough to let in a steady stream of fresh air\u2014and mice.<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like to end the ToxicPalooza.<\/strong> In the ceiling, behind the paneling, inside the cupboards\u2026asbestos tiles and lead paint are everywhere<\/em>.<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like to walk gracefully.<\/strong> There are four layers of laminate flooring on top of the original wood. If you don\u2019t pick up your feet\u2014really<\/em> pick up your feet\u2014you\u2019ll trip and stagger into the kitchen like a drunk. I know, because I\u2019ve done it. Many times.<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like the plumbing to work.<\/strong> When the toilets plug, sewage flows into our kitchen pantry. Enough said.<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like the electrical outlets to be\u2026out.<\/strong> A previous owner must have thought electricity was scary and should be hidden. Most of the electrical outlets are tucked away deep in the cupboards. As an added security measure, most of them don\u2019t work.<\/p>\n *I\u2019d like the walls to stop talking.<\/strong> Okay, the walls don\u2019t talk, but they do<\/em> rattle, thanks to a mysterious pipe in the walls that does nothing useful, but bounces around wildly whenever the wind blows.<\/p>\n So it\u2019s official. I\u2019m looking for a kitchen designer\u2014someone who will gut, fix and rebuild those three rooms. It will likely mean three months of eating sandwiches in the garage, peeing in the yard and telling the kids to turn their underwear inside out, but I\u2019m ready. If this goes badly, look for me in The Money Pit<\/strong> sequel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The world is divided into two types of people: (a) those who are willing to undertake costly and time-consuming renovations, in the hopes of increasing the functionality and\/or value of their home and (b) those who are sane. I am, of course, in group A.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-462","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=462"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":465,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/462\/revisions\/465"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=462"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=462"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=462"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}