When childless couples are invited for dinner, they wonder what type of wine they should take, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. When couples with young children are invited for dinner, they wonder if their hosts have stair blockers, safety locks and toys. They wonder if the couch is washable, if the china, booze and toxic chemicals will be out of reach, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. For those of you who want to actually enjoy<\/em> your evenings out, even though your family has expanded, here\u2019s my advice:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 1. Do Not Awaken a Sleeping Child To Go Visiting<\/strong><\/p>\n Children \u2014 like their parents \u2014 can be short-tempered, uncooperative and clumsy when deprived of sleep. Children who miss their naps can reach such a frenzied state of activity that they run into walls, empty plant pots, throw breakable objects and peel wallpaper.<\/p>\n Since this is not the side of your child\u2019s personality that blends well with a sit-down dinner, tell your hosts that you\u2019ll arrive after nap time is over. If they\u2019ve witnessed the behavior of tired children, they\u2019ll be secretly relieved.<\/p>\n 2. Take Twice the Clothes You Think You\u2019ll Need<\/strong><\/p>\n Nothing is more certain to cause a Diaper Blowout than entering someone else\u2019s living room. In a Diaper Blowout, the offending substance spreads from shoulder blades to ankles…and smells stronger than an untended outhouse.<\/p>\n If the blowout spreads to your hosts\u2019 new couch or antique rocker, a power washer won\u2019t remove the resulting stain. To avoid costly reupholstering bills, dress your diapered child in a thick, absorbent one-piece outfit with no potentially disastrous gaps, and take at least one complete change of clothing.<\/p>\n 3. Do Not Expect the House to be Childproofed<\/strong><\/p>\n Have you<\/em> child-proofed your home? Not everyone has. If any kids have gone AWOL, assume the worst \u2014 they\u2019re probably having a Drano party in the bathroom.<\/p>\n Even if your hosts do have childproof locks, check their home for any Major Disaster Items which are situated within six feet of the floor.<\/p>\n A Major Disaster Item is anything which, if placed in your child\u2019s hands, could cause poisoning, bloodletting or permanent destruction of property. Popular examples are bourbon, scissors, laxatives and indelible markers.<\/p>\n 4. Remember: A Pound of Prevention is Worth a Lifetime of Apologies<\/strong><\/p>\n Standing on light-colored carpeting makes children vomit. Unless your hosts\u2019 home has been lacquered with stain guard, carefully monitor what your children eat before leaving home. Any food that would be hard to remove from fabrics (such as raspberry jam, blueberries and beets) should not be in their stomachs when they step into your hosts\u2019 home.<\/p>\n If dinner is going to be served in a carpeted room, place a \u201csplat mat\u201d under your child\u2019s chair. Although the tarps used to cover cars may seem like the right size, they won\u2019t fit in a diaper bag. A green garbage bag is easier to pack, and covers a large area when it\u2019s split open along the seams.<\/p>\n 5. Do Not Judge Other Toddlers, Lest Yours be Judged<\/strong><\/p>\n If your hosts are trying to calm their unruly child, never start a sentence with, \u201cMaybe you shouldn\u2019t…\u201d Your children are watching their colleague\u2019s display, and may attempt the same performance before the evening ends. Murmured words of sympathy, and reassurances that your little angels have performed the same feat on several occasions (whether they have or not), will win you the most brownie points.<\/p>\n 6. When in Rome, Do As The Romans Do (Because Your Little Romans Will)<\/strong><\/p>\n If your hosts\u2019 child whines, get ready to grind your teeth as you listen to your<\/em> toddler\u2019s voice rise two octaves during the evening. If your hosts\u2019 child throws temper tantrums, your angel will probably be screaming and chewing on the furniture before it\u2019s time to leave.<\/p>\n Try to be philosophical about this \u2014 adults are influenced by the people around them, too.<\/p>\n If you would like to prevent some of these transgressions, talk to your child before leaving home. If your hosts overhear you use phrases that begin with, \u201cI don\u2019t care what they let that little brat do…\u201d you will not be invited back.<\/p>\n 7. Know This: The Sins of the Children Will Be Blamed Upon the Parents<\/strong><\/p>\n Have you heard about those people whose kids were toilet-trained by nine months, sat quietly during mealtimes, never talked back and never threw tantrums? Your child (and by extension, your parenting abilities) will fall far short of the standards set by those with amnesia, and by those who don\u2019t have any kids.<\/p>\n Your child\u2019s first exploration of his nasal cavities will probably occur during dinner at someone else\u2019s house. It is<\/em> alarming to glance over and see that an entire finger has disappeared up a child\u2019s nose during the main course. But relax. Your child is learning what\u2019s socially acceptable, and these transgressions are quite normal (mortifying for parents, but normal). People who say their kids always behaved well in public have selective memories.<\/p>\n 8. Hope For the Best, But Prepare For the Worst<\/strong><\/p>\n Even the most challenging child will occasionally behave well for an entire evening. However, it\u2019s also true that normally angelic children can blindside their parents with Jekyll and Hyde impersonations. Therefore, a little planning is advisable.<\/p>\n Since babies seem programmed to scream at an ear-piercing pitch when dinner is served, take along anything<\/em> that soothes your child. If your enormous wind-up baby swing does the trick, then take it with you. Your hosts won\u2019t mind the inconvenience \u2014 especially if the screaming stops long enough that they can eat dinner without having to lipread what their guests are saying.<\/p>\n If your child\u2019s noise level is easily influenced by other people\u2019s excitement, find a quiet time-out spot before you need it. You\u2019ll feel more prepared, and your child will spend less time breaking the sound barrier.<\/p>\n 9. Leave Early<\/strong><\/p>\n The majority of children\u2019s transgressions occur during the Arsenic Hours \u2014 the hours past their regular bedtime.<\/p>\n Once they\u2019re tired, young children lose what little self-control they normally possess. Even a calm, even-tempered child can be reduced to a puddle of tears on the rug, screaming \u201cNo!\u201d and kicking innocent bystanders if their bedtime is ignored. A more ambitious child may have a tantrum loud enough to cause aftershocks.<\/p>\n Watch your children carefully for signs that the Arsenic Hours are approaching (tearing pages out of coffee table books, licking windows and sticking toothbrushes in the toilet are good indicators), and make a graceful exit before it gets worse.<\/p>\n 10. Don\u2019t Covet Your Childless Friends\u2019 Lifestyle<\/strong><\/p>\n They may have a little sports car and a lot of vacations, but you have a little immortality and a lot of fun!<\/p>\n Did you enjoy this article? Subscribe to my blog and you\u2019ll never miss my weekly posts! It\u2019s easy: Just enter your email address in the upper right corner of this page. I\u2019ll never sell, share, or rent your contact information.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When childless couples are invited for dinner, they wonder what type of wine they should take, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. When couples with young children are invited for dinner, they wonder if their hosts have stair blockers, safety locks and toys. 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