{"id":590,"date":"2017-10-09T23:10:19","date_gmt":"2017-10-09T23:10:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=590"},"modified":"2017-10-09T23:10:19","modified_gmt":"2017-10-09T23:10:19","slug":"life-of-pie","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/590","title":{"rendered":"Life of Pie"},"content":{"rendered":"

I made two pie crusts this weekend. Not just regular<\/em> crusts, either\u2014I made the worst pie crusts in the history of pastry. The phrase \u201cI\u2019ve had worse,\u201d would have been a compliment.<\/p>\n

In my defense, I\u2019d never made crusts before. But even that<\/em> doesn\u2019t explain the sheer awfulness of what I created. My crusts were so thick and tough that they could not be cut or chewed without effort. They were so sturdy, they functioned as disposable plates. I\u2019m not convinced that they were actually compostable.<\/p>\n

Somehow, by blending flour, sugar, salt, butter and water, I\u2019d managed to create a material that could be used to strengthen plaster, plug up leaks in a foundation or fill potholes.<\/p>\n

To add insult to injury, one of the pies was also undercooked, so it had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Since I hate wasting food, I gave that pie to a friend\u2014a friend who refuses to admit that anything<\/em> might be inedible. This is a guy who believes expiry dates are dares\u2026a guy who believes a 26-year-old can of peas is still \u201cjust fine\u201d\u2026a guy who once made\u2014and somehow managed to eat\u2014beef ribs that he\u2019d pan-fried for just five minutes. We haven\u2019t heard from him since he drove off with the pie. I fear my crust may have killed him.<\/p>\n

After everyone else left, I found the Martha Stewart baking show I\u2019d taped several weeks ago\u2026and then forgotten to watch. Martha carefully explained the 10 essential steps for a perfect pie crust. Turns out I botched a few of the steps\u201410 of them, to be precise.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019m borrowing my oldest daughter\u2019s food processor, I\u2019ve printed out Martha\u2019s recipe and I\u2019m trying again. This weekend we\u2019re having chocolate cream pie. Or we’re having chocolate pudding on a disposable crust plate. I\u2019ll let you know how it goes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I made two pie crusts this weekend. Not just regular crusts, either\u2014I made the worst pie crusts in the history of pastry. The phrase \u201cI\u2019ve had worse,\u201d would have been a compliment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/590","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=590"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/590\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":598,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/590\/revisions\/598"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=590"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=590"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=590"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}