{"id":601,"date":"2017-10-16T21:29:34","date_gmt":"2017-10-16T21:29:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=601"},"modified":"2017-10-16T21:29:34","modified_gmt":"2017-10-16T21:29:34","slug":"the-case-of-the-suicidal-pastry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/601","title":{"rendered":"The Case of the Suicidal Pastry"},"content":{"rendered":"

Remember my pie crust fiasco last week? Well, a friend on Goodreads heard about it and offered his pie crust recipe\u2026under the condition that he remain anonymous so women would not start throwing themselves at him. Desperate, I agreed to his condition.<\/p>\n

I now have Anonymous Man\u2019s Pastry Recipe<\/strong> (I\u2019ve included it below). This has turned out to be the perfect pie crust recipe\u2026except that it produces suicidal pastry if you talk to Google behind its back.<\/p>\n

Let me explain: You\u2019ll notice that Anonymous Man\u2019s Pastry Recipe<\/strong> abandons you once you have two large circles of dough stuck to your counter. I was able to get the dough circles into<\/em> the pie plates\u2026then I switched to a chocolate cream pie recipe that I\u2019d found during a quick Google search [cue ominous music].<\/p>\n

Here are the cream pie\u2019s instructions for blind baking a crust: Line the empty crust with a coffee filter, fill with dried beans, bake 20 minutes at 375\u00b0F, pour out beans, bake another 20 minutes.<\/p>\n

I would like to point out that the recipe specifically said pour out<\/em> <\/strong>dried beans. I would like to point out that the recipe probably should have said lift out<\/strong><\/em> dried beans. Here is what happens if you pour<\/em> dried beans out of a half-baked crust:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Yes, my would-have-been-perfect crust leapt to its death, impaling itself on the side of the measuring cup and exploding into a number of would-have-been flaky pieces that would have been delicious if they weren\u2019t half-baked. Undaunted, I poured an enormous glass of wine (yes, I self-medicate after pastry traumas), scraped the second circle of dough off the counter and blind baked it\u2014lifting<\/em> the damned beans out of the crust. The finished chocolate cream pie must have been good, because no one laughed at me, and there were no leftovers.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019d like to attempt a pie crust\u2014and haven\u2019t found the perfect recipe, yet\u2014here\u2019s what I\u2019d suggest (just remember to lift, not pour, if legumes are involved):<\/p>\n

Anonymous Man\u2019s Pastry Recipe<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sift together:<\/strong>
\n2-1\/2 cups of flour
\n2 Tbsp. sugar
\n1 tsp salt<\/p>\n

Add:<\/strong> 8 Tbs. chilled vegetable shortening. Mix to coat flour.<\/p>\n

Then add:<\/strong> 12 Tbs. chilled unsalted butter, cut into small cubes. Mix to combine.<\/p>\n

Last addition:<\/strong> 6 Tbs. ice cold water\u2014add more or less to achieve desired consistency. Fold water in gently to avoid a tough crust. Dough should be sticky, but not wet.<\/p>\n

Finally\u2026<\/strong>Turn dough out onto floured board. Cut in two. Pat into 4 inch rounds and refrigerate 1 hour. When you remove from refrigerator, let rest at room temp for about 10 minutes. Pound down and roll out dough.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Remember my pie crust fiasco last week? Well, a friend on Goodreads heard about it and offered his pie crust recipe\u2026under the condition that he remain anonymous so women would not start throwing themselves at him. Desperate, I agreed to his condition. I now have Anonymous Man\u2019s Pastry Recipe (I\u2019ve included it below). This has […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-601","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=601"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":603,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/601\/revisions\/603"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=601"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=601"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=601"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}