As I was slogging home from the grocery store\u2014with a large knapsack of groceries on my back, plus two bags of groceries on each arm\u2014I came to a realization. I realized the problem wasn\u2019t the cabbage. The problem was that I\u2019m an idiot.<\/p>\n
You see, I\u2019d been reading articles about \u201clifestyle fitness.\u201d I\u2019d been watching people stomp around with their nifty little Fitbits. I\u2019d decided that I, too, was going to incorporate more exercise into my life\u2014and I was going to do it without buying a damned Fitbit.<\/p>\n
I decided that my 2017 New Year\u2019s resolution (yes, I\u2019m a bit behind) would be to catch the bus to the grocery store twice each week, then walk<\/em> home with my purchases. It was a brilliant idea, and it went really well\u2014until I tried it.<\/p>\n Misguided attempt #1:<\/strong> My plan, when I climbed off the bus at the store, was to buy cheese, bread and oranges. That was it. But then I saw the cabbages. The cabbages were huge<\/em>\u2014the size of watermelons\u2014and they were just 49 cents each! Sadly, there was something I didn\u2019t consider when I tossed that enormous cruciferous feast into my cart: Even if a cabbage and a watermelon are the same size, they are not the same weight<\/em>. Cabbages outweigh watermelons by 273 pounds per square inch (that may be an actual scientific fact\u2014I\u2019ll look it up later) and the longer you carry a cabbage in a knapsack, the heavier it gets (that IS<\/em> a scientific fact). I managed to carry my Cabbage of Spine-Crushing Death home\u2014along with the cheese, bread and oranges\u2014but I needed a hot bath and a nap just to recover, and if I\u2019d been wearing a Fitbit, it would have recorded zero steps for the remainder of the day.<\/p>\n Misguided attempt #2:<\/strong> This time, I avoided the bin of enormous, on-sale cabbages. I stuck to my list, bought only<\/em> what I needed, then headed off for my brisk walk home. Only it wasn\u2019t brisk. It wasn\u2019t much of a walk, either. It was, at best, a labored slog\u2014punctuated with a nonstop stream of Inner Whining, plus frequent rest breaks because my arms kept going numb. How could this be happening? I had shunned the Cabbages of Spine-Crushing Death. I\u2019d only bought what I needed. Could I be this<\/em> hopelessly out of shape?<\/p>\n Well, the jury is still out on my fitness level, but my stupidity level has now been confirmed. When I did manage to get home\u2014approximately three inches shorter, and with two numb arms, I weighed the pile of groceries I\u2019d purchased. Turns out I\u2019d bought\u2014and somehow managed to drag home\u201468 pounds of food.<\/p>\n So, yeah, I\u2019m getting into this \u201clifestyle fitness\u201d thing. Any day now, I should regain full use of my arms. I hope it happens soon\u2014I need more bread.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As I was slogging home from the grocery store\u2014with a large knapsack of groceries on my back, plus two bags of groceries on each arm\u2014I came to a realization. I realized the problem wasn\u2019t the cabbage. The problem was that I\u2019m an idiot.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-622","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/622","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=622"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/622\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":625,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/622\/revisions\/625"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=622"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=622"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=622"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}