I woke up at 2 a.m. last night wondering why my stomach felt weirdly bloated and tight. By 2:05 I was in the bathroom, and I spent the next three hours hoping my kids wouldn\u2019t find me there, dead, in the morning. I\u2019ll spare you the details, but I would like to pass along the lessons I learned during my 3-hour marathon vomiting spree:<\/p>\n
1. If you can\u2019t even remember<\/em> when you served roast beef, eating the leftovers that you find in the back of the fridge is a risky gamble.<\/p>\n 2. Yes, topping old roast beef with sour cream will improve the beef\u2019s flavor, but if the sour cream expired three weeks ago, well, you\u2019re gambling again. Stop that.<\/p>\n 3. No diet ever invented will help you drop pounds as quickly as a good old-fashioned bout of food poisoning will (I\u2019m finally ready for bathing suit season\u2014as long as I don\u2019t eat again).<\/p>\n 4. No exercise plan will give you as great an abdominal workout as hours of vomiting will (today, I did not feel any<\/em> need to do the sit-ups that I never do, anyway).<\/p>\n 5. Lying on a cold, hard floor for hours will make you yearn for the days when it was actually fashionable to have thick shag carpeting in bathrooms.<\/p>\n Bottom line: Yes, back-of-the-fridge leftovers are a quick and cheap lunch\u2014but if you have other plans for your night (like, say, sleeping) may I suggest tossing them in the compost and making toast?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I woke up at 2 a.m. last night wondering why my stomach felt weirdly bloated and tight. By 2:05 I was in the bathroom, and I spent the next three hours hoping my kids wouldn\u2019t find me there, dead, in the morning. I\u2019ll spare you the details, but I would like to pass along the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-677","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/677","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=677"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/677\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":681,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/677\/revisions\/681"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=677"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=677"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=677"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}