I did it\u2014I finally tried yoga. And I\u2019m here to tell you that yoga instructors want to kill us.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve almost tried<\/em> yoga a few times in the past. I bought a DVD (which I donated, unused, to Goodwill), I bought a yoga mat (which I left in a corner, unused, for a year) and I borrowed two yoga DVDs (which I returned, unused, to the library).<\/p>\n Today, I actually did it. I went on Youtube, typed in \u201cyoga for beginners,\u201d and found an instructor teaching something called basic Sun Salutation. Now, when a video\u2019s description includes the words beginners<\/em> and basic<\/em>, it\u2019s going to be good for newbies, right? Don\u2019t be silly.<\/p>\n Turns out the basic Sun Salutation is a series of stretches designed by an elite group of contortionists to crush the spirit of anyone with actual joints. Interestingly, if you fast forward through a basic Sun Salutation video, it looks like a toddler having a tantrum\u2014slow it right down, and it looks like Gumby doing his bedtime stretches. The video\u2019s instructor actually folded herself in half so her face touched her knees. She actually kicked her legs out behind her, without<\/em> crashing face-first onto the floor. She actually yanked her legs right back underneath her body, without kneeing herself in the nose. She even managed to stare up at the ceiling while lying belly-down on the floor. I could do none of those things. I also could not expand my rib cage sideways, suck my belly button into my spine and\u2014most ridiculous of all\u2014relax<\/em> while holding her Gumby-inspired positions.<\/p>\n When the video ended, I crawled over to where I\u2019d placed the laptop and typed in \u201cyoga for old people.\u201d Do you know what yoga for old people is? It\u2019s the same Killer Yoga, but done at a Slightly. Slower. Pace.<\/p>\n So I\u2019m looking for a new sport. I stopped karate and jiu jitsu a few years ago, when being thrown on the floor no longer amused me. I swim like a panicked ostrich, I\u2019m too ADHD for meditation or tai chi, and I\u2019m too sloth-like to run. If you have any suggestions, pass them along. Thanks. I\u2019m feeling flabby.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I did it\u2014I finally tried yoga. And I\u2019m here to tell you that yoga instructors want to kill us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-684","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=684"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":690,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/684\/revisions\/690"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=684"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=684"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=684"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}