{"id":768,"date":"2018-11-14T00:09:32","date_gmt":"2018-11-14T00:09:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=768"},"modified":"2018-11-14T00:09:32","modified_gmt":"2018-11-14T00:09:32","slug":"the-price-of-beauty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/768","title":{"rendered":"The Price of Beauty"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I have no idea what the price of beauty is, but I\u2019ve found out the price of ugly: $339.50. That\u2019s how much I paid a doctor\u2014an <i>actual dermatologist<\/i>\u2014to disfigure me by poking at my forehead with one of those wood burning tools that people buy at craft stores. <\/span><!--more--><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">Okay, he didn\u2019t use an <i>actual<\/i> wood burning tool\u2014the thing he used had a longer cord\u2014but it performed the same job and I probably could have wrecked my forehead just as nicely at home with the $30 wood burning kit sold on amazon. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I felt the need to pay for this disfigurement because, when I asked why I had lumps on my forehead, he told me I had a condition called Sebaceous Hyperplasia. Turns out that\u2019s Latin for Honking Big Oil Glands, but because I didn\u2019t know that at the time\u2014and, quite frankly, I was tired of looking lumpy\u2014I handed over my credit card and waited while he dusted off his wood burning kit.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">If you ever decide to have facial lumps burned off by a dermatologist, there are a few things you should know:<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">*The room will quickly fill with the odor of burning flesh. This will be even <i>less<\/i> pleasant than it sounds, because it will be <i>your<\/i> flesh that is burning. And it will hurt. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">*The lumps that you had on your face will disappear, but only because they will be hidden under much bigger, angry-looking, red, blistered lumps that will make you look like you have a severe case of adult-onset chicken pox.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">*You will want to quarantine yourself at home for several days after this procedure, because trying to explain adult-onset chicken pox\u2014or, worse, Sebaceous Hyperplasia\u2014to total strangers can get really tiring. <\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"s1\">I\u2019m starting to heal up, now\u2014and once the blisters finally disappear, I\u2019m hoping (really hoping) that my forehead will be smooth. But if I develop more Honking Big Oil Glands, I may cut costs and buy my own wood burning kit.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I have no idea what the price of beauty is, but I\u2019ve found out the price of ugly: $339.50. That\u2019s how much I paid a doctor\u2014an actual dermatologist\u2014to disfigure me by poking at my forehead with one of those wood burning tools that people buy at craft stores.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-768","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/768","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=768"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/768\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":771,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/768\/revisions\/771"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=768"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=768"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=768"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}