{"id":773,"date":"2018-11-27T23:15:01","date_gmt":"2018-11-27T23:15:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=773"},"modified":"2018-11-27T23:15:01","modified_gmt":"2018-11-27T23:15:01","slug":"the-day-grandma-got-high","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/773","title":{"rendered":"The Day Grandma Got High"},"content":{"rendered":"

Medical marijuana has been legal in Canada since 2001\u2014and the recreational kind got our government\u2019s stamp of approval on October 17. That means I can now smoke pot on my porch while eating Cheetos and waving at passing police cars\u2014without<\/i> going to jail. I wouldn\u2019t do that, of course\u2014I don\u2019t like Cheetos. But I did feel that it was my moral obligation to test out this now-legal product and answer the pressing questions that you, my devoted reader, most certainly want answered. Here you go (and you\u2019re welcome):<\/span><\/p>\n

Pressing Question #1: What happens if a 55-year-old grandmother blatantly ignores her son\u2019s advice and combines marijuana with wine?<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Answer:<\/b> You\u2019ve seen a sloth climbing a tree, right? Change the sloth to a woman and the tree to a set of stairs, and you\u2019ve nailed it. In my defense, the first cannabis I tried was the stuff that goes under your tongue. It tasted like pur\u00e9ed grass clippings mixed with rancid oil\u2014I had<\/i> to drown out the taste with wine. A mere 90 minutes later, I was too tired to sit upright and too dizzy to walk, so\u2014proving, once again, that not all women become more dignified as they age\u2014I crawled up the stairs to bed. <\/span><\/p>\n

Pressing Question #2:<\/b> What happens if a 55-year-old grandmother eats marijuana gummies while watching a cooking show?<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

Answer: <\/b>You\u2019re thinking I ate all the Cheetos, aren\u2019t you? No, smarty pants, I didn\u2019t\u2014because<\/span>\u00a0I was unconscious. The gummies weren’t as gag-inducing as the oil, but I think it\u2019s important to note that \u201cnot as gag-inducing\u201d does not mean \u201cmild.\u201d The last thing I remember was a TV chef (who was visiting Iceland) spitting out whale meat and announcing that it tasted like a urine-soaked mattress. When I awoke from my gummy-induced coma, he was in Taiwan, eating a baby octopus that had a quail\u2019s egg stuffed in its head. <\/span><\/p>\n

Okay, I realize marijuana does some impressive things\u2014it\u2019s a real blessing for people with epilepsy, Parkinson\u2019s disease and chronic pain, just for starters. But until my<\/i> liver figures out that it\u2019s a medicinal herb\u2014not the world\u2019s most expensive sleeping pill\u2014I\u2019m going to stick with the recreational drug that I already know and love: Wine.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Medical marijuana has been legal in Canada since 2001\u2014and the recreational kind got our government\u2019s stamp of approval on October 17. That means I can now smoke pot on my porch while eating Cheetos and waving at passing police cars\u2014without going to jail. I wouldn\u2019t do that, of course\u2014I don\u2019t like Cheetos. But I did […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-773","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=773"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":776,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/773\/revisions\/776"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=773"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=773"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=773"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}