{"id":781,"date":"2018-12-31T22:21:20","date_gmt":"2018-12-31T22:21:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=781"},"modified":"2018-12-31T22:21:22","modified_gmt":"2018-12-31T22:21:22","slug":"i-wanna-be-classy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/781","title":{"rendered":"I Wanna Be Classy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What do I need to do to be classy? I\u2019m asking because I\u2019m sitting here in my 14-year-old flannel pajamas, drinking dumpster wine and reading about how I won 3rd place in the district typing championships in grade 11\u2014and I have no recollection of competing in a typing contest. Here\u2019s the newspaper clipping (I\u2019m the one hiding behind the Mr. Magoo glasses and Farrah Fawcett hairdo):<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"768\" height=\"1024\" src=\"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/49178103_10156067943101687_516042399378571264_o-768x1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-782\" srcset=\"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/49178103_10156067943101687_516042399378571264_o-768x1024.jpg 768w, http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/49178103_10156067943101687_516042399378571264_o-225x300.jpg 225w, http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/49178103_10156067943101687_516042399378571264_o-624x832.jpg 624w, http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/49178103_10156067943101687_516042399378571264_o.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 768px) 100vw, 768px\" \/><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Clearly, having amnesia about my most monumental achievement in high school is troubling\u2014but I don\u2019t think that means I can\u2019t be classy. Wearing 14-year-old flannel pj\u2019s might be more problematic, but I only wear them indoors. And to the mailbox. Okay, and <em>once<\/em> to the bank, but it was dark and I was only using the ATM.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s the dumpster wine that might be making this classiness thing a little tougher. I should probably explain: I\u2019m not a dumpster diver myself, but when a friend showed up at my door and said, \u201cThis bag of wine was in the dumpster behind the liquor store. Do you want it?\u201d Naturally, my answer was yes, because my favorite varietal of wine is Free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And if you think I can\u2019t get any lower-class than that, you don\u2019t know me very well. Because boxed wine is virtually impossible to pour when the box, itself, is missing and there\u2019s no one around to help you. I said <strong><em>virtually<\/em><\/strong> impossible. Feeling oh-so-pleased with my ingenuity, I set a large wine glass on the floor and put my left foot on the base to hold it upright. Then I gripped the (surprisingly heavy) bag of wine between my teeth, bent over so the valve was directly above the glass and then used both hands to hold the valve open until my glass was filled to the brim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Clever? Yes. Classy? Hey, I won 3rd place in a typing contest 39 years ago\u2014the <em>district<\/em> typing championships\u2014so don\u2019t judge.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do I need to do to be classy? I\u2019m asking because I\u2019m sitting here in my 14-year-old flannel pajamas, drinking dumpster wine and reading about how I won 3rd place in the district typing championships in grade 11\u2014and I have no recollection of competing in a typing contest. Here\u2019s the newspaper clipping (I\u2019m the [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[8,5,6,7],"class_list":["post-781","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits","tag-class","tag-humor","tag-humour","tag-wine"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/781","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=781"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/781\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":786,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/781\/revisions\/786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=781"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=781"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=781"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}