{"id":811,"date":"2019-02-16T17:41:55","date_gmt":"2019-02-16T17:41:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/?p=811"},"modified":"2019-02-16T19:42:54","modified_gmt":"2019-02-16T19:42:54","slug":"grocery-cart-ebola-how-to-prevent-and-survive-this-modern-day-plague","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/archives\/811","title":{"rendered":"Grocery Cart Ebola:<\/br> How to Prevent (and Survive) <\/br>This Modern-Day Plague"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I recently recovered from Grocery Cart Ebola\u2014and this is the second<\/em> time I\u2019ve had it. I\u2019m probably not the only one, either. Turns out 97% of shopping cart handles are covered with fecal bacteria (I\u2019ve included a few study links at the bottom for you to ignore). <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re one of those telekinetic people who moves objects with your mind, stop bending spoons and use that power to move your grocery cart so you never have to touch it. If you\u2019re not telekinetic, I have some tips. Well, my mom<\/em> has tips\u2014she does a lot of nutrition research, and this is the information she painstakingly typed up for me after the first time I almost died. I lost the sheet and then got sick again, so she\u2019s a bit pissed. But she still wanted to help us, so here\u2019s her advice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To Prevent Grocery Cart Ebola<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You know those antibacterial wipes that you can buy practically anywhere? Keep a pack of them in your coat, pocket or purse so you can thoroughly, and aggressively, scrub the grocery cart handle before you touch it with your bare hands. Yes, you\u2019ll look like a crazed germaphobe, but that\u2019s better than throwing up for three days, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sadly, I didn\u2019t do this, which is why\u2014approximately 48 hours after Friday\u2019s shopping trip\u2014the muscles controlling my stomach abruptly switched directions. Within hours, I was lying on the bathroom floor wondering if this would be the first time Barfed to Death<\/em> was written on an autopsy report. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To Treat Grocery Cart Ebola<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If, despite your best efforts\u2014or you\u2019re stupid, like me\u2014you find yourself hunkered down by the toilet at 2 am, these tricks can make the experience a little less miserable, plus help you bounce back a whole lot faster.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your symptoms first<\/em> start… <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first sign of this blight\u2014in case you\u2019re one of those freaks of nature who\u2019s never had it before\u2014is a weird feeling of tightness, bloating and discomfort in your upper belly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I did:<\/em> Denial, denial, denial. I ate dinner, drank wine, stayed up late\u2026and since my belly was starting to get quite<\/em> painful, I skipped my evening glass of water. So I was already mildly dehydrated when the fecal coliform demons took full possession of my digestive tract. I lost 4-1\/2 pounds in two days, and ended up so dehydrated that I was no longer able to climb stairs or make witty jokes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What you should do:<\/em> At the first sign of trouble, make my mom\u2019s homemade electrolyte drink. It\u2019s easy\u2014just mix this stuff together in a big jar:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4 cups unsweetened apple juice<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4 cups water<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2 Tbs. sugar<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2 tsp. baking soda<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1 tsp. salt<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Chill the mixture (if you have time), then take small sips as often as possible when your body\u2019s mega-purge starts. This will prevent  severe dehydration\u2014and a trip to the hospital for IV fluids\u2014and it doesn\u2019t contain the junky additives and chemicals found in many store-bought drinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you have the dry heaves\u2014and<\/em> diarrhea\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I did:<\/em> I stopped drinking water, wrapped myself in heavy blankets and waited, melodramatically, for death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What you should do:<\/em> Stir 1\/2 tsp. baking soda into 2 cups of water and keep it in the bathroom. Every time your stomach starts to revolt, take a couple of good glugs of the stuff as you shuffle to the toilet. This won\u2019t rehydrate you and it won\u2019t stop the vomiting\u2014but it will<\/em> give you something to throw up (so you won\u2019t damage muscles by dry heaving) and it will neutralize your stomach acid, so you won\u2019t burn a hole in your esophagus.
<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t do this, of course, which is why I sounded like a pack-a-day smoker for several days. And I pulled so many muscles in my belly that I could only get out of bed by lying face-down and pushing myself backwards\u2014very slowly\u2014using my arms. I looked like a drunk sloth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the fever hits\u2026<\/strong>
\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I did:<\/em> Actually, I did the right thing (don\u2019t look so surprised). If you develop a fever after grocery cart bacteria have taken you hostage, be grateful\u2014your body\u2019s trying to kill off those evil trolls before they kill you<\/em>. Don\u2019t take acetaminophen, ibuprofen or anything else to bring your temperature down\u2014you\u2019ll recover faster if you steam the little jerks. And that\u2019s what I did. I hunkered down on the couch with a blanket (and my barf bucket) and alternated between sweating and freezing. Two days of Netflix and Ill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you realize you\u2019re going to survive\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A last add-on from Mom, the Nutrition Guru: When grocery cart bacteria plow through your body, they clean out your intestines rather dramatically (you made it to the toilet, right?)\u2014and in the process, they clean out the healthy probiotic bacteria that help you digest food, make white blood cells and produce hormones like serotonin. So as soon as you\u2019re able to put something in your mouth without it coming right back up, start taking a mixed probiotic supplement\u2014and keep<\/em> taking it for a month.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, that\u2019s it. The Nutrition Guru has spoken. Use disinfecting wipes on grocery carts, make a homemade electrolyte drink and baking soda water to help you through the worst of the intestinal apocolypse, be grateful for the fever and take probiotics to speed your recovery. If you don\u2019t, you\u2019re gonna get really<\/em> sick\u2014and don\u2019t go crying to my mom for sympathy, because she\u2019ll be pissed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, as promised, here\u2019s a little light reading about buggy grocery carts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ew<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

More Ew<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even more Ew<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why are you still clicking on these?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently recovered from Grocery Cart Ebola\u2014and this is the second time I\u2019ve had it. I\u2019m probably not the only one, either. Turns out 97% of shopping cart handles are covered with fecal bacteria (I\u2019ve included a few study links at the bottom for you to ignore).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[4,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-811","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-funny-bits","category-health-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/811","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=811"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/811\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":848,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/811\/revisions\/848"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=811"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=811"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/brendakearns.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=811"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}