The Ten Commandments
For Taking Young Children Visiting

When childless couples are invited for dinner, they wonder what type of wine they should take, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. When couples with young children are invited for dinner, they wonder if their hosts have stair blockers, safety locks and toys. They wonder if the couch is washable, if the china, booze and toxic chemicals will be out of reach, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. For those of you who want to actually enjoy your evenings out, even though your family has expanded, here’s my advice:

 

1. Do Not Awaken a Sleeping Child To Go Visiting

Children — like their parents — can be short-tempered, uncooperative and clumsy when deprived of sleep. Children who miss their naps can reach such a frenzied state of activity that they run into walls, empty plant pots, throw breakable objects and peel wallpaper.

Since this is not the side of your child’s personality that blends well with a sit-down dinner, tell your hosts that you’ll arrive after nap time is over. If they’ve witnessed the behavior of tired children, they’ll be secretly relieved.

2. Take Twice the Clothes You Think You’ll Need

Nothing is more certain to cause a Diaper Blowout than entering someone else’s living room. In a Diaper Blowout, the offending substance spreads from shoulder blades to ankles…and smells stronger than an untended outhouse.

If the blowout spreads to your hosts’ new couch or antique rocker, a power washer won’t remove the resulting stain. To avoid costly reupholstering bills, dress your diapered child in a thick, absorbent one-piece outfit with no potentially disastrous gaps, and take at least one complete change of clothing.

3. Do Not Expect the House to be Childproofed

Have you child-proofed your home? Not everyone has. If any kids have gone AWOL, assume the worst — they’re probably having a Drano party in the bathroom.

Even if your hosts do have childproof locks, check their home for any Major Disaster Items which are situated within six feet of the floor.

A Major Disaster Item is anything which, if placed in your child’s hands, could cause poisoning, bloodletting or permanent destruction of property. Popular examples are bourbon, scissors, laxatives and indelible markers.

4. Remember: A Pound of Prevention is Worth a Lifetime of Apologies

Standing on light-colored carpeting makes children vomit. Unless your hosts’ home has been lacquered with stain guard, carefully monitor what your children eat before leaving home. Any food that would be hard to remove from fabrics (such as raspberry jam, blueberries and beets) should not be in their stomachs when they step into your hosts’ home.

If dinner is going to be served in a carpeted room, place a “splat mat” under your child’s chair. Although the tarps used to cover cars may seem like the right size, they won’t fit in a diaper bag. A green garbage bag is easier to pack, and covers a large area when it’s split open along the seams.

5. Do Not Judge Other Toddlers, Lest Yours be Judged

If your hosts are trying to calm their unruly child, never start a sentence with, “Maybe you shouldn’t…” Your children are watching their colleague’s display, and may attempt the same performance before the evening ends. Murmured words of sympathy, and reassurances that your little angels have performed the same feat on several occasions (whether they have or not), will win you the most brownie points.

6. When in Rome, Do As The Romans Do (Because Your Little Romans Will)

If your hosts’ child whines, get ready to grind your teeth as you listen to your toddler’s voice rise two octaves during the evening. If your hosts’ child throws temper tantrums, your angel will probably be screaming and chewing on the furniture before it’s time to leave.

Try to be philosophical about this — adults are influenced by the people around them, too.

If you would like to prevent some of these transgressions, talk to your child before leaving home. If your hosts overhear you use phrases that begin with, “I don’t care what they let that little brat do…” you will not be invited back.

7. Know This: The Sins of the Children Will Be Blamed Upon the Parents

Have you heard about those people whose kids were toilet-trained by nine months, sat quietly during mealtimes, never talked back and never threw tantrums? Your child (and by extension, your parenting abilities) will fall far short of the standards set by those with amnesia, and by those who don’t have any kids.

Your child’s first exploration of his nasal cavities will probably occur during dinner at someone else’s house. It is alarming to glance over and see that an entire finger has disappeared up a child’s nose during the main course. But relax. Your child is learning what’s socially acceptable, and these transgressions are quite normal (mortifying for parents, but normal). People who say their kids always behaved well in public have selective memories.

8. Hope For the Best, But Prepare For the Worst

Even the most challenging child will occasionally behave well for an entire evening. However, it’s also true that normally angelic children can blindside their parents with Jekyll and Hyde impersonations. Therefore, a little planning is advisable.

Since babies seem programmed to scream at an ear-piercing pitch when dinner is served, take along anything that soothes your child. If your enormous wind-up baby swing does the trick, then take it with you. Your hosts won’t mind the inconvenience — especially if the screaming stops long enough that they can eat dinner without having to lipread what their guests are saying.

If your child’s noise level is easily influenced by other people’s excitement, find a quiet time-out spot before you need it. You’ll feel more prepared, and your child will spend less time breaking the sound barrier.

9. Leave Early

The majority of children’s transgressions occur during the Arsenic Hours — the hours past their regular bedtime.

Once they’re tired, young children lose what little self-control they normally possess. Even a calm, even-tempered child can be reduced to a puddle of tears on the rug, screaming “No!” and kicking innocent bystanders if their bedtime is ignored. A more ambitious child may have a tantrum loud enough to cause aftershocks.

Watch your children carefully for signs that the Arsenic Hours are approaching (tearing pages out of coffee table books, licking windows and sticking toothbrushes in the toilet are good indicators), and make a graceful exit before it gets worse.

10. Don’t Covet Your Childless Friends’ Lifestyle

They may have a little sports car and a lot of vacations, but you have a little immortality and a lot of fun!

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