Want to cut your own hair?
I have some advice

The last time I was in a secondhand store a book caught my eye—How to cut your own or anybody else’s hair. It was on sale for $2. I did some speedy math. If haircuts cost $55 each, and if I could avoid paying that sum six times every year…I could save $6,600 over the next 20 years. I bought the book and brought it home, and it sat here, untouched, for four years. Until tonight. Tonight I was bored. Ukulele practice had been cancelled and I had nothing pressing to do.

So I grabbed the necessary supplies—a large glass of wine, scissors, a comb and, of course, the book—and headed to the bathroom. How hard could it be?

Turns out it’s easy to cut your own hair (surprised you, didn’t I?). Now, if you’re one of those fancy pants, snooty people who insists on having your hair cut in actual straight lines, stop reading and go straight to a salon. But if Caught In A Woodchipper is your usual hairstyle, and you have no aspirations that you’ll ever look any better than you do right now, I highly recommend this book (it was published in 1975 and revised in 1983, so I can assure you it’s very up-to-date).

I do have two suggestions, though:

#1: The book says to start with wet hair. You should listen to the book. I have a double crown, plus a big chunk of weird, wavy hair at the back of my head. I ignored the book and cut my hair without wetting it. Now the back of my head looks like I was attacked by a rabid ferret. Since I put my hair “up” every day—in one of those cheap plastic clips that I’m sure all the runway models will be wearing, soon—this isn’t a problem for me. But if you’re wanting one of those fancy new hairstyles that doesn’t look like it belongs in an autopsy photo, you’ll want to start with wet hair.

#2: I drank wine while cutting my hair. I would not recommend this. Mirrors invert images left to right. So if you’re staring into a mirror while holding a small chunk of hair in one hand, bringing sharp, pointy scissors up to your head with the other hand, and trying to cut on a very specific angle, well…bad things can happen. If you’re drinking wine while doing this, bad things will happen. Luckily, I only needed two bandaids—plus I nicked my left hand, which isn’t the one I use to hold my wine glass, so I’m going to be just fine. 

In short, if you’re tired of outsourcing your personal hygiene and would like to save $6,600 over the next 20 years, How to cut your own or anybody else’s hair can help. It offers step-by-step instructions for a variety of 1970s haircuts that will help you fit right in at your local senior’s home—or you can follow my lead and create your very own (and possibly very unique) hairstyle, with minimal bloodshed if you hold off on the wine. And the book only costs $2. What have you got to lose?