I’d like to talk about something momentous that happened on Friday, November 20: The residents of Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania, finally found out why their town was turning into Sewage Shore, Pennsylvania. That’s right—Jersey Shore had started to smell. Really smell. The odor was described as a cross between a dead deer, old gym socks and a bad fart.
As you might expect, the police got involved. Okay, the media got involved. A brave, local television reporter traipsed through Jersey Shore, searching for the fart (and here, I picture him wearing a gas mask and gripping a small vial of smelling salts).
What did he discover? A whole field of rotting radishes. Now, I don’t want to bias this story (not much, anyway), but I hate radishes, so I wasn’t the slightest bit surprised to discover that they were the evil force that had single-handedly destroyed the air quality for the 4,337 residents of Jersey Shore.
I have always believed that radishes were never intended to be eaten—like rocks and porcupines, they were meant to be admired, not ingested. Radishes are an entirely objectionable vegetable. They provide almost no energy, have the density of marbles, and taste like pepper spray. I have been cooking for quite a few years (according to my kids, I’m older than Methuselah) and I have discovered that the key to making any radish recipe taste great is to skip the radishes and use potatoes, instead. Think about it:
*Radish curry? No. Potato curry is better.
*Roasted radishes? No. Roasted potatoes are better.
*Buttered leeks and radishes? No. Buttered leeks and potatoes are better.
See how that works? The only time you should buy a bunch of radishes is if you’re making a fancy salad for company. Take one radish (only one), slice it thinly and arrange it artfully over the top of the salad. Those white, inedible circles are code for “I put a lot of work into this damned meal.” The rest of the radishes? Leave them in the fridge until they start smelling like Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania, then toss them in the compost.
Brenda:
I love it. Keep up the good work. Enjoyed the article and I still like radishes but that may change.
Arnold
You like radishes? Oh, Mr. Forsyth, all these years I’ve been thinking you were perfect… 🙂
Sorry, I must disagree. Radishes are quite tasty and add a nice flavor to things like salads and daikon soup. Just get the milder kind and you might find them less objectionable (in my very biased opinion).
If anyone hands me free radishes, I shall FedEx them to you immediately 🙂
When in doubt what could be a seething reek coming from your fridge, check for radishes! Even a plastic bag won’t prevent those once red round delights from turning into a leafy mush (in a very short time I must add) and take over your kitchen with all the evil smelly cunning. Radish lovers unite and remove the leaves before sending radishes to their untimely death suffocating in slime.
Thanks for a morning laugh. I really needed this on a Monday morning.
Cheers.
You’re welcome, Gina!