The Price of Beauty

I have no idea what the price of beauty is, but I’ve found out the price of ugly: $339.50. That’s how much I paid a doctor—an actual dermatologist—to disfigure me by poking at my forehead with one of those wood burning tools that people buy at craft stores.

Okay, he didn’t use an actual wood burning tool—the thing he used had a longer cord—but it performed the same job and I probably could have wrecked my forehead just as nicely at home with the $30 wood burning kit sold on amazon.

I felt the need to pay for this disfigurement because, when I asked why I had lumps on my forehead, he told me I had a condition called Sebaceous Hyperplasia. Turns out that’s Latin for Honking Big Oil Glands, but because I didn’t know that at the time—and, quite frankly, I was tired of looking lumpy—I handed over my credit card and waited while he dusted off his wood burning kit.

If you ever decide to have facial lumps burned off by a dermatologist, there are a few things you should know:

*The room will quickly fill with the odor of burning flesh. This will be even less pleasant than it sounds, because it will be your flesh that is burning. And it will hurt.

*The lumps that you had on your face will disappear, but only because they will be hidden under much bigger, angry-looking, red, blistered lumps that will make you look like you have a severe case of adult-onset chicken pox.

*You will want to quarantine yourself at home for several days after this procedure, because trying to explain adult-onset chicken pox—or, worse, Sebaceous Hyperplasia—to total strangers can get really tiring.

I’m starting to heal up, now—and once the blisters finally disappear, I’m hoping (really hoping) that my forehead will be smooth. But if I develop more Honking Big Oil Glands, I may cut costs and buy my own wood burning kit.