I recently recovered from Grocery Cart Ebola—and this is the second time I’ve had it. I’m probably not the only one, either. Turns out 97% of shopping cart handles are covered with fecal bacteria (I’ve included a few study links at the bottom for you to ignore).
If you’re one of those telekinetic people who moves objects with your mind, stop bending spoons and use that power to move your grocery cart so you never have to touch it. If you’re not telekinetic, I have some tips. Well, my mom has tips—she does a lot of nutrition research, and this is the information she painstakingly typed up for me after the first time I almost died. I lost the sheet and then got sick again, so she’s a bit pissed. But she still wanted to help us, so here’s her advice:
To Prevent Grocery Cart Ebola
You know those antibacterial wipes that you can buy practically anywhere? Keep a pack of them in your coat, pocket or purse so you can thoroughly, and aggressively, scrub the grocery cart handle before you touch it with your bare hands. Yes, you’ll look like a crazed germaphobe, but that’s better than throwing up for three days, isn’t it?
Sadly, I didn’t do this, which is why—approximately 48 hours after Friday’s shopping trip—the muscles controlling my stomach abruptly switched directions. Within hours, I was lying on the bathroom floor wondering if this would be the first time Barfed to Death was written on an autopsy report.
To Treat Grocery Cart Ebola
If, despite your best efforts—or you’re stupid, like me—you find yourself hunkered down by the toilet at 2 am, these tricks can make the experience a little less miserable, plus help you bounce back a whole lot faster.
When your symptoms first start…
The first sign of this blight—in case you’re one of those freaks of nature who’s never had it before—is a weird feeling of tightness, bloating and discomfort in your upper belly.
What I did: Denial, denial, denial. I ate dinner, drank wine, stayed up late…and since my belly was starting to get quite painful, I skipped my evening glass of water. So I was already mildly dehydrated when the fecal coliform demons took full possession of my digestive tract. I lost 4-1/2 pounds in two days, and ended up so dehydrated that I was no longer able to climb stairs or make witty jokes.
What you should do: At the first sign of trouble, make my mom’s homemade electrolyte drink. It’s easy—just mix this stuff together in a big jar:
4 cups unsweetened apple juice
4 cups water
2 Tbs. sugar
2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
Chill the mixture (if you have time), then take small sips as often as possible when your body’s mega-purge starts. This will prevent severe dehydration—and a trip to the hospital for IV fluids—and it doesn’t contain the junky additives and chemicals found in many store-bought drinks.
When you have the dry heaves—and diarrhea…
What I did: I stopped drinking water, wrapped myself in heavy blankets and waited, melodramatically, for death.
What you should do: Stir 1/2 tsp. baking soda into 2 cups of water and keep it in the bathroom. Every time your stomach starts to revolt, take a couple of good glugs of the stuff as you shuffle to the toilet. This won’t rehydrate you and it won’t stop the vomiting—but it will give you something to throw up (so you won’t damage muscles by dry heaving) and it will neutralize your stomach acid, so you won’t burn a hole in your esophagus.
I didn’t do this, of course, which is why I sounded like a pack-a-day smoker for several days. And I pulled so many muscles in my belly that I could only get out of bed by lying face-down and pushing myself backwards—very slowly—using my arms. I looked like a drunk sloth.
When the fever hits…
What I did: Actually, I did the right thing (don’t look so surprised). If you develop a fever after grocery cart bacteria have taken you hostage, be grateful—your body’s trying to kill off those evil trolls before they kill you. Don’t take acetaminophen, ibuprofen or anything else to bring your temperature down—you’ll recover faster if you steam the little jerks. And that’s what I did. I hunkered down on the couch with a blanket (and my barf bucket) and alternated between sweating and freezing. Two days of Netflix and Ill.
When you realize you’re going to survive…
A last add-on from Mom, the Nutrition Guru: When grocery cart bacteria plow through your body, they clean out your intestines rather dramatically (you made it to the toilet, right?)—and in the process, they clean out the healthy probiotic bacteria that help you digest food, make white blood cells and produce hormones like serotonin. So as soon as you’re able to put something in your mouth without it coming right back up, start taking a mixed probiotic supplement—and keep taking it for a month.
Okay, that’s it. The Nutrition Guru has spoken. Use disinfecting wipes on grocery carts, make a homemade electrolyte drink and baking soda water to help you through the worst of the intestinal apocolypse, be grateful for the fever and take probiotics to speed your recovery. If you don’t, you’re gonna get really sick—and don’t go crying to my mom for sympathy, because she’ll be pissed.
And, as promised, here’s a little light reading about buggy grocery carts:
We’ve used those sanitary wipes on grocery carts for years here at the Orlando Compound. Taking no chances, and not letting those stomach demons set one germ-infested foot into our bodies. Brenda, you have a such a gift for taking the ugly and turning it into something humorous. Keep writing, girl!
Thank you, Martha – I just spent the last couple of hours struggling with WordPress (can’t find the bloody “Read More” button that used to be there) – your kind words just made my day!
…I think your store has a reoccurring vector. It might be worthwhile to spend the time/money to shop somewhere else. (Like the next town somewhere else)
I’m tempted to drive to the next country, Loren 🙂