Killer Yoga

I did it—I finally tried yoga. And I’m here to tell you that yoga instructors want to kill us.

I’ve almost tried yoga a few times in the past. I bought a DVD (which I donated, unused, to Goodwill), I bought a yoga mat (which I left in a corner, unused, for a year) and I borrowed two yoga DVDs (which I returned, unused, to the library).

Today, I actually did it. I went on Youtube, typed in “yoga for beginners,” and found an instructor teaching something called basic Sun Salutation. Now, when a video’s description includes the words beginners and basic, it’s going to be good for newbies, right? Don’t be silly.

Turns out the basic Sun Salutation is a series of stretches designed by an elite group of contortionists to crush the spirit of anyone with actual joints. Interestingly, if you fast forward through a basic Sun Salutation video, it looks like a toddler having a tantrum—slow it right down, and it looks like Gumby doing his bedtime stretches. The video’s instructor actually folded herself in half so her face touched her knees. She actually kicked her legs out behind her, without crashing face-first onto the floor. She actually yanked her legs right back underneath her body, without kneeing herself in the nose. She even managed to stare up at the ceiling while lying belly-down on the floor. I could do none of those things. I also could not expand my rib cage sideways, suck my belly button into my spine and—most ridiculous of all—relax while holding her Gumby-inspired positions.

When the video ended, I crawled over to where I’d placed the laptop and typed in “yoga for old people.” Do you know what yoga for old people is? It’s the same Killer Yoga, but done at a Slightly. Slower. Pace.

So I’m looking for a new sport. I stopped karate and jiu jitsu a few years ago, when being thrown on the floor no longer amused me. I swim like a panicked ostrich, I’m too ADHD for meditation or tai chi, and I’m too sloth-like to run. If you have any suggestions, pass them along. Thanks. I’m feeling flabby.