It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone Squeezes the Cat

In my last blog post—The Five Stages of Cat Ownership—I may have suggested that cats are not entirely perfect. I may have suggested that they have a few teeny tiny flaws. I was wrong. Cats have two huge flaws—anal glands.

I knew dogs possessed anal glands. My first Great Dane used to thrust his hind legs in the air and drag himself across the carpet—like a drunk, hairy ballerina—in the hopes of lowering our home’s property value so we’d never move.

But cats? Anal glands? I was shocked.

Of course, I was not nearly as shocked as Daughter #2, upon whom the aforementioned anal glands exploded last week.

Daughter #2 insists that she did nothing wrong—she insists that she had every right to leave a brand-new jacket on her bed. She’s wrong, of course. As everyone knows, all flat surfaces are designated as shedding and puking zones for cats. Which is why our most high-strung cat leapt up on the bed and commenced shedding on the brand-new jacket.

Daughter #2 insists that she did not squeeze the cat—she merely lunged across the room, grabbed the cat and quickly moved it to a jacket-free portion of the bed. Which is why high-strung cat sprayed the bed, the jacket and the daughter with…stuff.

I’m not entirely sure what the stuff is that comes out of a cat’s anal glands, but the smell could best be described as Skunk Light—and the cleaning procedure could best be described as “throw it out.” So if you ever see a cat sitting on something you value, feel free to relocate the cat—but move slowly, and put on a gas mask, first.