My heart goes out to people who need to lose a lot of weight—and I have the utmost admiration for anyone who successfully loses 50, 70, 100 pounds or more. What makes me feel this way? Probably the fact that I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to lose the same eight pounds for the past 18 years. Yes, you read that right. Eight pounds, 18 years. Apparently, my motto when it comes to portion control is “I don’t wanna.”
I used to be able to use the excuse that it was baby weight. Not anymore. Although some of my kids are still young, those are the adopted ones. The last time my uterus actually grew anything useful was 18 years ago. I wanted to find some way to take off that weight—some way that didn’t involve portion control.
I use a treadmill five days each week. Clearly, that hasn’t been enough, so one of my daughters suggested that I try her big blue exercise ball. I scuttled down to the basement, hoping for a little privacy. Sadly, one of my younger kids got curious and decided to tag along.
I cranked up the volume on the instructional DVD that came with the ball, determined to keep up with the perky, uber-fit woman in the program.
She sat on her blue ball, put her hands behind her head and started firing off a rapid succession of sit-ups. Looked pretty straightforward. So I sat on my blue ball, put my hands behind my head and leaned back. That’s when I noticed something odd. Her blue ball was just sitting there underneath her, immobile, like a big, rubbery chair with no back support. My blue ball appeared to be packed with rabid squirrels. It shook and shimmied and squirmed side-to-side until, with a vaguely fart-like sound, it shot out from underneath me and rolled away.
I retrieved my squirrel-infested ball, told the laughing gnome in the doorway to get lost, and decided to try again.
Now, the lady on the DVD was doing a sideways sit-up thing. She was actually lying on her right side on the ball, hands behind her head, lifting her whole torso up toward the ceiling and holding it there while she counted to 10 billion. So I gripped the ball with both hands while I got myself positioned on my right side. Then I let go of the ball, put my hands behind my…
The rabid squirrels weren’t done with me, yet. The ball started shaking wildly, as if in the throes of an earthquake that only a blue ball could feel. It shot out from underneath me and I landed, quite hard and quite painfully, on the concrete floor.
The gnome in the doorway was bent over laughing, but he kindly kicked the ball back to me so I wouldn’t have to stop.
I decided to give it one more shot. The woman in the video was now lying face-down on her ball doing some sort of yoga-like stretch with her arms (a “reach for the ceiling” kind of thing). It looked like something even I could do. So I lay face-down down on the ball, planted my toes on the floor and reached for the ceiling. I was able to hold the pose for two blissful seconds before my feet slipped and I turned into a human teeter-totter. My legs shot up in the air and my face and chest slammed into the concrete floor. The rabid squirrels freaked, the ball fired out from underneath me and I landed, belly-flop style, on the floor. At this point, the gnome in the doorway was laughing so hard he was wheezing.
I’ve returned the blue exercise ball to the kid who uses it daily, and I’ve gone back to the treadmill. I haven’t lost any weight, but at least I’ve avoided another concussion.
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I want the video of your experience! LOL
As my dad would say, “That’ll cost ya!”
I just laughed so hard I woke my nursing baby. It was so worth it! I love the bit about the ball shooting out from under you and the gnome laughing. Very funny description. I just found your blog, but I’m definitely going to follow it now!
Thank you for your kind words, Mary – you’ve made my day 🙂 (Sorry about your baby waking up…)
Brilliant blog, had me in stitches! I do hope the bruises aren’t too painful! :))
I’m so happy you enjoyed it! The bruises faded pretty quickly, yes – except for the one on my ego 🙂
Having not wanted to laugh too hard at your painful experience, I must say, it was was still colorful and delightful read! Keep up the sense of humor. 8 lbs isn’t too bad. Blame it on the kids. I do! lol
I DO blame it on the kids, yes! Easier than admitting I’ve been overeating for the last 18 years 🙂
Been there and done that! Thanks for my chuckle of the day!
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Marion – thank you for your kind words! (Glad to hear I’m not the only one, too 🙂
Very good story! Can’t blame the gnome… 🙂
Don, you WOULD identify with the laughing little gnome, wouldn’t you?! I bet you were a bit of a troublemaker when you were a kid 🙂
Thank you Brenda! Tears are frigging streaming down my face. Too effin’ funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe you didn’t get a workout on the big blue ball, but my stomach muscles got an incredible workout reading your experience.
Pass the tissues, please. Too beepin’ funny!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much, Tana – I’m glad you enjoyed that one! (at least ONE of us got an abdominal workout 🙂
If I only had to lose 8 pounds, I’d celebrate and take the family out for pizza and ice cream! Hence, my problem. Good luck with the head injuries! 😉
That made me laugh! I think that’s part of my problem, too – it’s hard to take eight pounds seriously – it’s in the “close enough” category, I think. Plus I’m basically completely unmotivated when it comes to weight. I do nothing to fix the problem each day, then step on the scale the next morning shocked that my weight didn’t drop. Honestly, I’m an idiot sometimes!
Awe, Brenda… This gave me a good laugh! But in all seriousness, 8 pounds is 8 pounds. I know it might seem miniscule to most but beings that I fluctuate 5, sometimes even 10 pounds, if the Winter has provided me with good muffins and writing binges, I completely understand your endeavors. I notice even 4 or 5 pounds of a difference on my body. It’s always those last few pounds which are the hardest to rid…
If you want a “quick fix” which is a healthy solution, you could try juicing for three days. I did last year and I lost exactly 8 pounds. My boss lost 11 pounds but she was exercising a bit more which I don’t recommend since you are only consuming juice and no food. I was walking on the treadmill for 4 miles each day during that time and had no solid foods. Just 6 nutritional juices a day. Juice markets usually sell package with pre-made juices if you are like me and have no time do make them on your own.
Good luck! Let me know if you need any advice. I’m always interested in nutrition and exercise=)