Kill Bill Volume 3:
Coming Soon to a Cutlery Drawer Near You

The munchies hit, as they always do, around 8 pm last night. I shuffled into the kitchen, pulled open the cutlery drawer and reached in to grab a knife. Unfortunately, I wasn’t looking where I was reaching. One of my kids was saying something goofy in the living room, and I was busy trying to give her my best “are you kidding me?” expression through the wall.

When I grabbed the knife, a small voice in my head noted that the thing I was grabbing seemed oddly soft and warm. For a knife.

Turns out I wasn’t holding a knife. I was holding a mouse. A small, gray, fluffy mouse with a long tail that it quickly wrapped around my thumb. As if we were friends or something (since I’d killed 119 of his cousins recently, his laid back attitude was a bit surprising).

Of course, I reacted the way any sensible, mature adult would react if they were given the opportunity to gently release an innocent mouse back into the wilds unharmed. I shrieked, dropped the invader onto the floor and then did a seizure-like dance while trying to shake invisible mouse bleck off my hand.

Bill (I’ve decided to call him Bill) is now hiding, traumatized, behind the cupboards—no doubt getting his revenge by stripping the insulation off the electrical wires. Soon, he’ll be back in the cutlery drawer, which I now see he has converted into his own ensuite bathroom.

I skipped the snack, bleached the cutlery, then poured a glass of wine somewhat larger than the amount normally recommended by the American Heart Association.

I’ll be stopping by the hardware store today to pick up the necessary supplies. Kill Bill Volume 3 will be premiering soon.

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