The 7 Habits of a Highly Dysfunctional Horror Fan

I wasted a lot of my youth trying to grow up. Sadly, I still act like an idiot. I blame the horror movies. I watched every scary movie I could find when I was a teen. My parents told me not to, but I ignored them. Apparently, my goal was to stunt my emotional growth, because here’s the result:

1. Sometimes I jump into bed so that whatever is under there can’t grab my ankles. You don’t need to tell me there’s nothing under the bed—I know that, because I’ve checked. Many times.

2. Whenever I close a medicine cabinet, I expect to see the reflection of something freaky right behind me. The fact that this has not happened to me in 53 years does not help—I still expect to see something horrid when I close a medicine cabinet.

3. I tuck my feet under the covers at night. I can’t sleep if my feet are exposed. This is ridiculous, because if a monster did come into the room, he wouldn’t say, “Oh, I see your feet are covered. I’ll just let myself out and go kill the guy next door.”

4. I have to hum the tune of Greensleeves when I step into the shower. Otherwise, that jarring Psycho music will start playing in my head.

5. I cannot sit beside a window at night unless the curtain is closed. With the curtain closed, I can’t see who’s out there staring in at me, so I’m safe. Right? Right?

6. When I hear a crackling, settling noise in the basement, I get goosebumps. Every. Single. Time.

7. I try to keep the floor of the hall closet clear, so if there’s anyone hiding in there, I’ll be able to see their feet. There’s never anyone hiding in there.

So, where do I go from here? I’d like to say I’m a functioning adult, yet I’m still obsessively jumping into beds, hiding my feet under blankets, closing curtains, checking closets, humming Greensleeves and getting creeped out by bathroom mirrors. Maybe I need to distract myself from all of these irrational fears. I hear The Conjuring 2 is a good movie.

13 thoughts on “The 7 Habits of a Highly Dysfunctional Horror Fan

  1. Colleen O'Neil

    Lol! This is so me! If a noise wakes me in the wee hours, I automatically turn on a light to make sure the lights still work! And yet, I still can’t get enough of horror movies and books.

    Reply
  2. Miriam Ruff

    I jump into the bed, too, and check underneath to make sure there are no monsters there. I thought I was the only one. And I don’t watch horror movies – go figure.

    Reply
  3. Sandy K

    So glad to hear that I’m the one who does stuff like that. I watch shows like Supernatural all the time, and yet I still get weirded out when I am the only living being in the household. Our Golden Retriever, Belle, who had passed away in September, was the least ferocious dog ever, and yet I always felt slightly safer with her around. The reality is that she would’ve been huddled behind me if something dastardly were to befall us, I had the opportunity to be completely alone for a couple days after Christmas (I had no time off from work and hubby took the kids to visit my mom out-of-state), and it was very weird for me to be completely alone in the house. I heard a weird creaking/scratching noise, and thought to myself (Oh, it’s just Belle…)…then I realized that she had been gone for 2 months by then…that’s when I huddled under the blankets with the lights on and the radio on…I mean, the boogyman can’t get me if I’m listening to Carrie Underwood, right? Right.

    Reply
    1. Brenda Post author

      Hello Sandy, I’ve heard the same thing about Carrie Underwood, yes – her music may not repel ghosts, but she’ll make them happier and mellower! If you’re going to continue watching spookie shows like Supernatural you may need to get another dog – even the timid ones are very comforting, yes? 🙂

      Reply

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