To Catch a [Pampers] Thief

Last week, police arrested two diaper thieves. That’s right—diaper thieves. The men broke into a warehouse in Fox Crossing, Wisconsin, and stole almost 100,000 diapers (a five-day supply for the average newborn).

Now, don’t feel sorry for them. These guys weren’t parents of diarrhea-prone quintuplets. They weren’t centenarians who couldn’t afford to buy their own Depends. No, they were just two middle-aged dudes looking to make quick money—their diaper stash was valued at $45,000.

As you can imagine, the police are pretty ticked off about this, and they’re considering felony theft charges—which means the diaper dudes could be sitting in jail for 10 years. Ironically, the oldest of the two—who’s in his 50s—might be wearing diapers by the time he gets out.

Why are disposable diapers so expensive—and such a coveted item on the black market? I’m guessing it’s because of their key ingredient—sodium polyacrylate—a chemical that can absorb 300 times its weight in water. Don’t believe it? Try tossing a few diapered kids into a lake and watch the water level drop (but pull them out afterwards—we’re scientists, not sadists).

I wonder if the diaper dudes will bump into any convicted Lego thieves while they’re in jail? Legos are another ridiculously overpriced kid product now available on the black market. In the last few years, undercover officers have seized $275,000-worth of these pricey little blocks—and that’s just in Oregon (state motto: Let go my Lego).

You know what would be great punishment for these guys? Line their jail cells with wall-to-wall carpeting embedded with Legos. Then take away their socks and shoes.