Just Call Me Quasimodo

One week ago, I started walking like Quasimodo. I couldn’t stand up straight, couldn’t bend over properly and couldn’t lift my right leg. I had a massive muscle spasm where my leg attaches to the hip. Here’s what I learned during this long, long week….

1. Some injuries just sound…stupid. I’d wrecked myself while cleaning under the beds. That’s right—I’d developed an SDI (a Severe Dusting Injury). It’s virtually impossible to get sympathy when you have to admit that you should have stretched before Swiffering.

2. Kids are jerks. Okay, some of them are. Since I could no longer bend down or lift my leg up, getting dressed morphed from a one-minute mindless task into a 20-minute pain-fest. And putting on socks became impossible. Yes, my kids helped—but here’s what I found on one of their Facebook pages: “Helped my aging mother this morning because she couldn’t bend over to put on her socks 😢 they grow up so fast.” Enough said.

3. Pain messes with your head.  Apparently, being in pain all day—and all night—turns my brain into a highly-focused misery detector. Do you know what I realized this week? Harry Potter opens with an attempted infanticide—and Red Riding Hood ends with identity theft and a double homicide.

4. Manufacturers are obsessed with lawsuits. I had a muscle spasm so enormous I could actually see it bulging out of my thigh. I needed a heating pad like the one I had as a teen—a heating pad hot enough to melt steel. They don’t make real heating pads anymore—now they make warming pads (useless little things with a peak temperature of “tepid” and a patronizing safety feature that shuts them off every few minutes).

Today, I’m feeling much better. I was able to get dressed—socks included—in under two minutes. I can stand up straight and walk without too much of a limp. This weekend’s goal? Search eBay for a 1970s-style skin-searing heating pad, just in case this ever happens again—and hide the Swiffers so I’m not tempted to clean anything.

7 thoughts on “Just Call Me Quasimodo

  1. Aunt Karen

    Ok so I have a Roomba I robot that does under the beds!!! A wonderful invention. However you need to make sure you haven’t left socks or some wire or nails under your bed. Come to think of it you could lose a cat or your robot if it ends up inthe claws of your cat.

    The other thing is there are such things as chiropractors and did you forget the wine?
    Glad to hear you are doing better.
    Aunt Karen

  2. Gisela Sherman

    Sorry to hear you had a terrible time. Only you can make it sound amusing though. Check if heat is indeed the cure. If it’s inflamed muscles, then cold or hot/cold alternating is better.

    1. Brenda Post author

      Hello Gisela! I started off with cold packs, but then I couldn’t type because they chilled my whole body and my fingers stiffened up (plus they made my leg feel worse, oddly). The heat seems to work better for me – just wish I could find a heating pad that REALLY heats 🙂

  3. Bruce

    Hi Brenda, Bruce from Twitter, Michigan… your delima is what happens to all of us, did not feel any pain until the next day… it’s because those muscles are not commonly used. You stretched those muscles without warming up first, common. Athletes have this problem if they do not warm up. Suggestion: next time do some stretching for those thighs, they are not used like you used them 20 years ago, sorry, not vulgar, just true.


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