One week ago, I started walking like Quasimodo. I couldn’t stand up straight, couldn’t bend over properly and couldn’t lift my right leg. I had a massive muscle spasm where my leg attaches to the hip. Here’s what I learned during this long, long week….
1. Some injuries just sound…stupid. I’d wrecked myself while cleaning under the beds. That’s right—I’d developed an SDI (a Severe Dusting Injury). It’s virtually impossible to get sympathy when you have to admit that you should have stretched before Swiffering.
2. Kids are jerks. Okay, some of them are. Since I could no longer bend down or lift my leg up, getting dressed morphed from a one-minute mindless task into a 20-minute pain-fest. And putting on socks became impossible. Yes, my kids helped—but here’s what I found on one of their Facebook pages: “Helped my aging mother this morning because she couldn’t bend over to put on her socks 😢 they grow up so fast.” Enough said.
3. Pain messes with your head. Apparently, being in pain all day—and all night—turns my brain into a highly-focused misery detector. Do you know what I realized this week? Harry Potter opens with an attempted infanticide—and Red Riding Hood ends with identity theft and a double homicide.
4. Manufacturers are obsessed with lawsuits. I had a muscle spasm so enormous I could actually see it bulging out of my thigh. I needed a heating pad like the one I had as a teen—a heating pad hot enough to melt steel. They don’t make real heating pads anymore—now they make warming pads (useless little things with a peak temperature of “tepid” and a patronizing safety feature that shuts them off every few minutes).
Today, I’m feeling much better. I was able to get dressed—socks included—in under two minutes. I can stand up straight and walk without too much of a limp. This weekend’s goal? Search eBay for a 1970s-style skin-searing heating pad, just in case this ever happens again—and hide the Swiffers so I’m not tempted to clean anything.