Surviving a Spring Onion Infestation

Good news: I’m taking an online humor writing course, so I’m about to get funny—really funny. You’ll need Depends.

But I haven’t finished the course, yet, so today I’d like to talk about a very serious issue: Spring onion infestations.

Last week, a person who claims to like my family dropped off a 20-pound bucket of spring onions. He didn’t ask if we wanted them—just handed me the bucket and ran.

I hate wasting food—but what do you do with 20 pounds of spring onions? I learned a few lessons during that harrowing week, and I’m going to pass those lessons on to you. You’re welcome.

Lesson #1: Sometimes Google is useless. I tried googling “how to use up spring onions.” Apparently, I’m the only person who has ever had a spring onion crisis. The recipes that required more than eight onions were all hopelessly vague (“toss them into your next smoothie”…”use them to make our Invigorating Facial Scrub”…). Google, you let me down.

Lesson #2: Spring onions are jerks. You know how chopping cooking onions makes your eyes water? That doesn’t happen with spring onions. Not because they’re milder, but because they’re nice. Get spring onions angry—by mincing up two or three pounds of their closest friends—and they’ll turn into midget cooking onions and spray you with noxious, eye-searing gasses. I may never be able to wear contact lenses again.

Lesson #3: Spring onions are full of surprises. I tried to make Spring Onion Cakes. What I actually made were Grit Cakes. Turns out you can’t just rinse spring onions—you need to power wash them, because they contain enough grit to make an Invigorating Facial Scrub (see Lesson #1).

Lesson #4: Spring onions will last longer if you…oh, give up. It’s hopeless. Keep them dry, put them in water, leave them on the counter, put them in the fridge…whatever you do, a 20-pound bucket of spring onions will stay fresh for approximately 55 minutes. Then the outer leaves will decompose, forming a soft, slippery, slimy, mushy coating that you’ll have to [gag] peel off with your bare hands in order to [shudder] find the still-edible bits hidden underneath. Excuse me while I go stick my hands in bleach. Again.

I did manage to use up the whole bucket of onions. I ate onion stir-fries, onion sandwiches, onion soups and onion salads. I even grilled some, pickled some and froze some. Then I closed all the blinds and told everyone we’d moved. The best way to deal with a spring onion infestation is to relocate to prevent the next one.

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