I know, I know…Wisteria is beautiful. Beautiful blooms, beautiful smell, blah blah blah. Wisteria is also Evil Overlord of the Plant Kingdom. If you have one in your yard, you should know that this plant’s primary goal is to destroy everything—including your house.
Think I’m joking? I am not. My proof:
1. Wisteria is a legume. That means it looks like a flowering plant, yet it’s closely related to baked beans. It’s been tricking us for years—and that, right there, should be your first tip-off that something sneaky and dangerous is growing in your yard.
2. Wisteria makes minions. I have three wisteria trees. Three is enough. But every week, hundreds (I kid you not—hundreds) of wisteria suckers pop up all over my lawn. Every week, we mow them down. Every week, they pop up again. If my lawnmower breaks, I’ll have to move.
3. Wisteria kills. Wisteria tendrils look pretty, but they grow several feet every day in the summer months. If you don’t trim them back—fast—they’ll wrap around innocent trees and tighten like psychotic little boa constrictors, turning a yard that was once a beautiful green oasis into a forest of dead tree stumps. Behold, this evil plant in action:
4. Wisteria is vindictive. I’ve been aggressively trimming back my three wisteria, trying to stop them from choking the life out of everything else in the yard. They’ve retaliated by growing thick, ropy roots across the surface of the ground—roots that these evil plants now use to trip me every time I walk by.
5. Wisteria has attachment issues. If you try to pull a wisteria vine off a brick wall, it will bring bits of the brick and mortar down with it. Ditto paint, window trim and gutters. Try to pull a long wisteria vine out of a tree that it’s invading, and it will snap off large branches and hurl them at your head as it crashes to the ground.
Yes, wisteria is beautiful. But be forewarned: If you plant one in your yard, you’ve invited a selfish, destructive tenant into your life—one that will refuse to be evicted. It’s a legume with an attitude. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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I have learnt a very important lesson tonight. Never ever become friends with “Wisteria”.
Arnold
Smart decision! Wisteria never becomes a true friend — it merely masquerades as a friend until you turn your back. Then it starts taking over… 🙂
Brenda
this is fun! thanks so much. am starting a bare root wisteria in a pot and it is growing fast and am trying to decide what to do with it. i may keep it potted. thanks for your article. how are your wisteria by the way?
Hello Victoria,
I’d suggest keeping that pest in a pot – they’re beautiful, but that thing will plot to take over your entire yard if you set it free! I’m not sure how mine are going to do this summer, actually. I tried a test: I went online and googled how to prune them properly – apparently, it involves very dramatic cutting back during the winter, so I’ve done that. Now they look like an angry beaver attacked them. I’ll find out in a few months if they’re now going to bloom beautifully, or die a slow and painful death. I’ll keep you posted 🙂