The Case of the Suicidal Pastry

Remember my pie crust fiasco last week? Well, a friend on Goodreads heard about it and offered his pie crust recipe…under the condition that he remain anonymous so women would not start throwing themselves at him. Desperate, I agreed to his condition.

I now have Anonymous Man’s Pastry Recipe (I’ve included it below). This has turned out to be the perfect pie crust recipe…except that it produces suicidal pastry if you talk to Google behind its back.

Let me explain: You’ll notice that Anonymous Man’s Pastry Recipe abandons you once you have two large circles of dough stuck to your counter. I was able to get the dough circles into the pie plates…then I switched to a chocolate cream pie recipe that I’d found during a quick Google search [cue ominous music].

Here are the cream pie’s instructions for blind baking a crust: Line the empty crust with a coffee filter, fill with dried beans, bake 20 minutes at 375°F, pour out beans, bake another 20 minutes.

I would like to point out that the recipe specifically said pour out dried beans. I would like to point out that the recipe probably should have said lift out dried beans. Here is what happens if you pour dried beans out of a half-baked crust:

Yes, my would-have-been-perfect crust leapt to its death, impaling itself on the side of the measuring cup and exploding into a number of would-have-been flaky pieces that would have been delicious if they weren’t half-baked. Undaunted, I poured an enormous glass of wine (yes, I self-medicate after pastry traumas), scraped the second circle of dough off the counter and blind baked it—lifting the damned beans out of the crust. The finished chocolate cream pie must have been good, because no one laughed at me, and there were no leftovers.

If you’d like to attempt a pie crust—and haven’t found the perfect recipe, yet—here’s what I’d suggest (just remember to lift, not pour, if legumes are involved):

Anonymous Man’s Pastry Recipe

Sift together:
2-1/2 cups of flour
2 Tbsp. sugar
1 tsp salt

Add: 8 Tbs. chilled vegetable shortening. Mix to coat flour.

Then add: 12 Tbs. chilled unsalted butter, cut into small cubes. Mix to combine.

Last addition: 6 Tbs. ice cold water—add more or less to achieve desired consistency. Fold water in gently to avoid a tough crust. Dough should be sticky, but not wet.

Finally…Turn dough out onto floured board. Cut in two. Pat into 4 inch rounds and refrigerate 1 hour. When you remove from refrigerator, let rest at room temp for about 10 minutes. Pound down and roll out dough.