My parents celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary last May. I’m not sure which one that is—diamond? gold? arsenic? Whatever…they’ve been together 55 years, and they get along great. Then last week it finally happened—The Big Fight. The trigger? My mom wanted to get into my dad’s pants. Continue reading →

As I was slogging home from the grocery store—with a large knapsack of groceries on my back, plus two bags of groceries on each arm—I came to a realization. I realized the problem wasn’t the cabbage. The problem was that I’m an idiot. Continue reading →

Wouldn’t it be great if you could win a Nobel Prize for proving that people are more likely to take risks at slot machines after touching live crocodiles? Well, you can’t—the Nobel Prize committee has no interest in reptile-induced gambling sprees. Thankfully, you can win an Ig Nobel Prize. Continue reading →

Have you ever been dragged out of a deep sleep by a massive muscle spasm in your leg? That happened to me this week, except the muscle spasm wasn’t in my leg—it was somewhere deep in my intestines. I am, of course, a logical person—so I quickly deduced that I was dying and I’d better empty my bladder so the paramedics wouldn’t find my body in a puddle of pee (in my defense, my thinking tends to be a bit muddied at 2 am).

So I leapt out of bed (way too quickly, I would soon discover) Continue reading →

“A dishwasher is not a garbage disposal. Scrape off plates before you put them in there, you bonehead.”

Those are wise words from my dad. Wise words that I probably should have listened to years ago. However—much like a toddler who ignores parental warnings, then runs face-first into a wall—I boldly embarked on dishwasher ownership with a risqué attitude and more optimism than brains. Continue reading →

Remember my pie crust fiasco last week? Well, a friend on Goodreads heard about it and offered his pie crust recipe…under the condition that he remain anonymous so women would not start throwing themselves at him. Desperate, I agreed to his condition.

I now have Anonymous Man’s Pastry Recipe (I’ve included it below). This has turned out to be Continue reading →

I made two pie crusts this weekend. Not just regular crusts, either—I made the worst pie crusts in the history of pastry. The phrase “I’ve had worse,” would have been a compliment. Continue reading →

I’ve been hoping to lose my last 10 pounds of pregnancy fat. Unfortunately, my uterus hasn’t grown anything useful since 1996, so I’m starting to wonder if, perhaps, the steps I’ve been taking to slim down aren’t particularly effective. Here’s what I’ve been doing: Continue reading →

It’s one of the most pressing questions facing humanity: What color is Antarctic penguin poo? An intrepid group of researchers from England’s University of Cambridge has donned their thermal undies and sacrificed three months of their lives in order to answer this question for us. Continue reading →

Looking for something truly memorable to do on your next vacation? Grab your First Aid Kit and head to one of these exciting events:

*The Entroida Festival
This festival is supposed to celebrate purification, so you just know angry fire ants will be involved. Continue reading →