We moved into my dream home — a beautiful 1834 farmhouse — in March. My mom was away the first week after our move, and I decided to surprise her by painting the front entryway, hallway and stairwell before she returned. This seemed like a good idea at the time. The previous owner had painted the walls a bright, blood red color — it looked like someone had stabbed a vampire to death. Not. Mellow. Continue reading
I love cats—they make me happy. But I limit myself to two indoor cats at any one time, because I know I’m unstable and could quickly turn into one of those Crazy Cat Ladies. I love dogs, too—but since I’m the one who cleans up the yard, I’m never tempted to get a second (or third, or fourth) dog. Cats? Gotta watch myself.
So the biggest dilemma I’ve ever faced (cat-wise, at least) was the day my daughter found a dead cat, I accidentally set it on fire, brought it back to life and then gave it up for adoption.
Let me explain… Continue reading
My heart goes out to people who need to lose a lot of weight—and I have the utmost admiration for anyone who successfully loses 50, 70, 100 pounds or more. What makes me feel this way? Probably the fact that I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to lose the same eight pounds for the past 18 years. Yes, you read that right. Eight pounds, 18 years. Apparently, my motto when it comes to portion control is “I don’t wanna.”
I used to be able to use the excuse that it was baby weight. Not anymore. Although some of my kids are still young, those are the adopted ones. The last time my uterus actually grew anything useful was 18 years ago. I wanted to find some way to take off that weight—some way that didn’t involve portion control. Continue reading
I sold my house last night. I spent a month cleaning, purging and painting. Now I’ll spend the next few months packing.
The last time I moved, I had five small kids ranging in age from two to 12. Now I’m housing seven, most of them teens. You’d think selling a house would be simpler now that they’re old enough to be useful. You’d be wrong. Continue reading
If you’re living in a home that’s infested (either with kids, pets or both) then you know how tough it can be to get a home like that ready for potential buyers. Well, I’ve managed to sell a few heavily-infested homes (at one point, I had five kids, two dogs and two cats crammed into a house that we needed to sell—fast), and I’ve made my share of mistakes while I was at it. Here’s what I’ve learned about listing—and selling—homes that are full of creatures with poor self-control, and even less bladder control.
Once the For Sale sign goes up… Continue reading
I’ve been asked, many times, whether I’ve ever washed my face in a toilet. This question isn’t as bizarre as you might think—my most recent book is called The Day I Washed My Face in the Toilet. Surely, I must have come up with that title after drinking too much wine, right?
Wrong. Sadly, I came up with that title—and a pretty big chunk of the plot-line of the book—the day I washed my face in a toilet.
Let me explain. In 2005, we were hit by a freakish late-winter storm. Continue reading
I didn’t realize my mistake until I was picking out cover images for my books. Every book—every single book—contained a parrot. A lively, personable, trouble-making parrot. I was floored. I’d written and edited those stories over the last 18 years, and had only recently decided to publish them as ebooks. At no point had I made a conscious decision to let parrots steal the show in every book. Yet there they were, all vying to be part of the cover designs.
So how did I become secretly (and quite cluelessly) obsessed with parrots? Thinking back, it happened over a two-year period in the mid-80s. I was living in an apartment that housed two Amazon parrots, and I was working in a wild bird care center Continue reading
When Christoph Fischer asked if I wanted to do a blog interview and have it posted on his site, I said yes…very, very hesitantly. Could I sound intelligent and mature enough for his audience? (um, no) Could I come up with dramatic and compelling personal stories to inspire his readers? (not a chance) Would anyone actually care about my daily writing routine? (very unlikely, since I sit in my pyjamas, push cats off my desk and poke at a keyboard) Continue reading
When childless couples are invited for dinner, they wonder what type of wine they should take, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. When couples with young children are invited for dinner, they wonder if their hosts have stair blockers, safety locks and toys. They wonder if the couch is washable, if the china, booze and toxic chemicals will be out of reach, and whether the evening will be worth missing The Big Bang. For those of you who want to actually enjoy your evenings out, even though your family has expanded, here’s my advice:
1. Do Not Awaken a Sleeping Child To Go Visiting
Children — like their parents — can be short-tempered, uncooperative and clumsy when deprived of sleep. Children who miss their naps can reach such a frenzied state of activity that they run into walls, empty plant pots, throw breakable objects and peel wallpaper. Continue reading
I was faced with an unexpected moral dilemma when we had kids. How could I explain why Mommy turned every eight-legged creature that invaded our home into insect puree? Telling a child, “It’s wrong to hurt living things…but spiders don’t count because Mommy hates them,” won’t even fool a toddler.
So I made a Bug Box—a small insect condo with cardboard walls and a removable roof (furniture is optional, but I wouldn’t recommend windows). My theory was Continue reading
