I’ve decided to ditch my usual New Year’s resolutions. The odds that I’ll actually become uber-fit, learn to meditate or cut back on coffee are—and here, I’m making a rough calculation—zero. Instead, for my 2017 New Year’s resolution, I’ve decided to focus on worrying my kids. Now, hear me out: Continue reading
Last week, I decided to try my hand at picture framing—I decided to try one of those DIY projects that I love to watch on decorating shows. All things considered, I think it went pretty well. And by “all things considered,” I mean that I still have 10 fingers and the vacuum is working, again.
Here’s what happened: I’d been given some old black and white photos of my parents (their baby pictures, pictures from when they were dating—that sort of thing). Continue reading
These days, my favorite breakfast is plain yogurt topped with pomegranate seeds and Bran Buds. The Bran Buds are there because they’re loaded with sugar, which helps hide the fact that plain yogurt—although healthy—tastes like solidified goat snot.
The problem is the pomegranates. Continue reading
It’s almost Christmas. Which means—as it does every year—that the furry little jerks are sneaking indoors, again.
Wednesday morning, I found a dead mouse in the living room. My two cats—who had managed to kill the mouse, even though they’re old, fat and declawed—sat proudly nearby. I picked up the mouse and did my heebie-jeebie dance to the garbage can. Problem solved, right?
Wrong. Continue reading
Last year, a 19-year-old girl in Colorado climbed out of bed and started sleepwalking. She walked nine miles (barefoot) before waking up. A few weeks ago, a 66-year-old man in South Wales peddled his bike off a bridge. In his sleep. Neither story surprised me (I sleepwalk, too).
I wish I was one of those sleepwalkers who just wanders around the room, looking confused. No, I have more energy than that.
I’ve filled a kettle and made tea (by reusing the stale water that someone had left in a hot water bottle). I’ve pulled all the sheets off a bed, because I was convinced there were spiders on the pillow. I’ve jumped up and down in the middle of a room, trying to reach the cats that only I could see were stuck to the ceiling.
As a sleepwalker, I have a few suggestions for all of you non-sleepwalkers out there:
*Talk to us—it helps. True, you may have to listen to a story about ceiling cats or pillow spiders, but if you play along, we’ll have a nice chat and then go back to sleep.
*It’s okay to wake us up. Have you heard that you shouldn’t wake a sleepwalker? It’s a myth. I’ve cut my eyebrow walking into a door frame, and got a concussion when I fell backwards onto a wooden floor. Sure, sleepwalkers get confused when you wake them up—but confusion is better than bloodshed.
*Quit looking at us like that. Approximately 13% of kids—and 4% of adults—sometimes sleepwalk. And it makes us feel bad when we wake up and see you staring at us like we’re the Kraken. So put a fake smile on your face. And consider carpeting. Seriously. It took me weeks to recover from that concussion.
A few weeks ago, I saw a basket of peppers at the market—pretty little red things with green stems. I asked the vendor if they were hot. His response: “Just a little hot. They’re bird peppers.” So I bought a pound of Just a Little Hot Bird Peppers. When I got home, I went online looking for some way to preserve them.
And that’s when YouTube tried to kill me. Continue reading
My next blog post will be about why only a total idiot would try caramelizing one pound of hot peppers—hot peppers that rank 15,000 on the Scoville scale. The Scoville scale, I’ve discovered, is a measure of how long your face will itch and burn if you lean over a pan containing one pound of bubbling hot peppers.
But today, I wanted to let you know that the Spanish translations of four of my kids’ books are free on amazon for two days—today and tomorrow (Sept. 16). If you’d like to practice your Spanish, I hope you’ll download them. You can check them out here… (and thank you!)
El día que me lavé la cara en el inodoro
Two days ago, I heard a loud gurgling sound. When I wandered into the kitchen to investigate, I stepped in water—a lot of water. I splashed past the kitchen table into the bathroom. Water was spouting out of the toilet bowl and cascading onto the floor—it looked like a possessed bidet. I’d love to say I stayed calm, reacted swiftly and handled the situation well. But instead of dwelling on what I didn’t do, here’s what I learned that fateful day:
Continue reading
Last week, I didn’t know what a toilet flange was. Now I own one—and it cost me $1,395.
Here’s what happened: Yesterday morning, I noticed a puddle spreading out from under the toilet in our main floor bathroom. That’s an icky discovery at the best of times. It’s even worse when the water-logged bathroom happens to be right beside the kitchen table. Panic ensued. Parents were called. Off we went to Home Depot to buy a toilet flange. And while my dad wandered through the store, hunting for flanges, my mom and I stopped to admire Continue reading
I know, I know…Wisteria is beautiful. Beautiful blooms, beautiful smell, blah blah blah. Wisteria is also Evil Overlord of the Plant Kingdom. If you have one in your yard, you should know that this plant’s primary goal is to destroy everything—including your house.
Think I’m joking? I am not. My proof:
1. Wisteria is a legume. That means it looks like a flowering plant, yet it’s closely related to baked beans. Continue reading
