Good news: I’m taking an online humor writing course, so I’m about to get funny—really funny. You’ll need Depends.

But I haven’t finished the course, yet, so today I’d like to talk about a very serious issue: Spring onion infestations. Continue reading →

My house is the epicenter of the entire North American rodent infestation. Last winter, I killed 121 mice. This winter…more. Many, many more. You’ve heard of the five stages of grief? Well, they apply to mouse infestations, too. Here’s how it goes: Continue reading →

Five things I learned yesterday afternoon:

1. If the oven is on, and you put a cold block of butter on top of the stove to soften, it will not soften. It will liquefy.

2. A liquefied block of butter is exactly the same shape as a cold block of butter.

3. If you pick up a liquefied block of butter and turn to walk across the kitchen, the butter will explode out though all the cracks in the wrapper and you will be left holding an empty, dripping wrapper.

4. Cats love melted butter.

5. Cat Butter Barf is hard to get off of carpeting.

I pass these lessons along to you so you can learn from my mistakes. You’re welcome.

A few weeks ago, I decided to make falafel. Why? Because a cooking website emailed me the recipe, and because falafel is fun to say when you’ve had two glasses of wine. I made a few mistakes during my cooking spree, and I’ve decided to pass my new-found knowledge on to you. You’re welcome.

Lesson #1: Falafel, falafel, falafel…

Yes, it’s fun to say falafel after drinking two glasses of wine. But Continue reading →

Everyone blathers on about the miracle of childbirth. They never mention all of the not-so-miraculous things that happen if you deliver a baby at home. By accident. My first kid was an accidental home birth. Here’s what I learned on that memorable day: Continue reading →

I recently came back from a vacation that involved 55 hours of driving over six days. I only mention this because the night I got home from this so-called “vacation,” I cancelled my gym membership, ordered an elliptical trainer through amazon and vowed to never drive again. Ever. One problem: Ellipticals don’t come in one piece. Thinking of ordering one yourself?

1. Learn sign language. Two men dropped off the elliptical. English wasn’t their first language. It wasn’t their second language, either. Continue reading →

In a large glass jar, mix:

4 cups chopped ripe fresh pineapple
6 cups cheap vodka
1 cup white sugar

Shake really well (for best results, put the lid on first). Set the jar on a counter so you can admire your creation. Once each day, give the jar a few shakes to mix the ingredients, and to enjoy the snow globe-like effect.

Seven days later: 

Okay, if you’re one of those people who insists on following recipes properly, Continue reading →

The wedding went smoothly. My hair and makeup didn’t. Here’s what I learned during my recent foray as mother-of-the-bride…

Lesson #1: If you haven’t used hot rollers or a blow dryer in five years, practice before the wedding day

I’d hoped for thick, glossy hair swept up into a soft, elegant bun. That’s not what I got. I’d forgotten that blow dryers have an Incinerate setting. After five minutes of intense drying, I looked like I’d backcombed my entire head. I was the “before” picture in the conditioner ads. Continue reading →

Well, I haven’t found another mouse since my last posting (Kill Bill Volume 3: Coming Soon to a Cutlery Drawer Near You), so I thought it might be time for a little silliness. Here, I’m posting chapter 1 of my early teen novel, The Day I Washed My Face in the Toilet. If it catches your eye, and if you might consider posting a quick review on amazon (no obligation, of course!), please let me know and I’ll send you a free copy of the book. I hope this gives you a giggle. I also hope someone can explain why I can’t indent paragraphs in a blog – urgh!

Chapter 1: We call him Dementia Boy

Edward was naked, of course, except for the polka dot bandana he always wore like a mask on these special occasions. And he was using the upstairs bathroom window, this time — the puny one over the toilet — so I should have been spared the worst of the show. No such luck. By climbing on the toilet and turning his back to the window, he could press his butt against the glass, mooning me (and anyone else who happened to be looking). Then he’d crouch, spin around and wave — Dementia Boy in a polka dot mask — before starting his I’m-a-dork routine all over again.

Butt…polka dots…butt…polka dots…

If anyone discovered a drug that could cure what was wrong with my brother, they’d make millions. Continue reading →

The munchies hit, as they always do, around 8 pm last night. I shuffled into the kitchen, pulled open the cutlery drawer and reached in to grab a knife. Unfortunately, I wasn’t looking where I was reaching. One of my kids was saying something goofy in the living room, and I was busy trying to give her my best “are you kidding me?” expression through the wall.

When I grabbed the knife, a small voice in my head noted that the thing I was grabbing seemed oddly soft and warm. For a knife. Continue reading →