I had a frontal lobotomy in March. At least I’m assuming that’s what happened because—after years of merely daydreaming about getting my kitchen, powder room and laundry room renovated—I actually picked up the phone and called someone. Yesterday, the contractors arrived—with crowbars, sledgehammers and chainsaws. I think I heard the house scream.
You can find my reasons for wanting this reno here (I’ll admit, the pantry sewage was a biggie).
Now, here’s what I’ve learned after just one day of home renovation bliss:
1. Chainsaws make cats stress fart. I’m keeping both cats in my office during the demo. Just me and two very old cats in the smallest, stuffiest room of the house. When the construction crew revved their chainsaws, my cats revved their colons. I bet I’d lose my eyebrows if I lit a match.
2. Old homes didn’t fare well in the ‘70s. The kitchen in this 200-year-old home used to have solid wood floors, crown molding, a servant’s staircase and beautiful baseboards and trim. Not anymore. Back in the bell-bottom era someone “updated” the place by building a kitchen like the one in That ‘70s Show (but less attractive).
3. Sometimes “built to last” is a bad thing. The ‘70s cabinets appear to have been cut and installed one board at a time. Each board was glued in place and then attached to the core of the earth using row upon row of long screws. It took multiple, window-rattling blows with a sledgehammer to make even one cabinet budge.
4. Three electrical panels is a bad sign. I spent all last week emptying the kitchen, powder room and laundry room. I dragged everything down into the basement, then painstakingly set up what would have been a fairly functional kitchen. Then the demolition crew disconnected the power flowing through the most worrisome electrical panel. My basement kitchen is now completely black. I’d light candles but, well, see #1.
We’re into day two, now. The windows are rattling, and one of the Incredible Farting Felines is sitting in my lap. I’ll be cooking in the dark and washing the dishes in the bathtub. There will be wine involved.