The world is divided into two types of people: (a) those who are willing to undertake costly and time-consuming renovations, in the hopes of increasing the functionality and/or value of their home and (b) those who are sane. I am, of course, in group A. Continue reading
I’ve bought a lot of plants—and killed most of them. Only two hardy philodendrons have survived my tender loving care (and I water them with diluted coffee to thank them). So I’m a little nervous about buying herbs in pots. I have loads of dried herbs and spices, including weird ones like black salt—which is actually pink, and never shows up in recipes. Ever. But I’ve been avoiding fresh herbs.
Then, two weeks ago, I heard a TV chef blather on about how fresh herbs “transform boring Continue reading
I wasted a lot of my youth trying to grow up. Sadly, I still act like an idiot. I blame the horror movies. I watched every scary movie I could find when I was a teen. My parents told me not to, but I ignored them. Apparently, my goal was to stunt my emotional growth, because here’s the result:
1. Sometimes I jump into bed so that whatever is under there can’t grab my ankles. You don’t need to tell me there’s nothing under the bed—I know that, because I’ve checked. Many times.
2. Whenever I close a medicine cabinet, Continue reading
I watched a very violent movie last week. Approximately eleventy-zillion people were killed. Most of them were shot by the “hero”—a man who had clearly spent more time at the gun range than in anger management classes.
What did I learn from this movie? I want a beagle puppy. I really, really want a beagle puppy.
I’d like to talk about something momentous that happened on Friday, November 20: The residents of Jersey Shore, Pennsylvania, finally found out why their town was turning into Sewage Shore, Pennsylvania. That’s right—Jersey Shore had started to smell. Really smell. The odor was described as a cross between a dead deer, old gym socks and a bad fart.
As you might expect, Continue reading
1. Don’t overthink current fashions. Three words: Drop crotch pants. What are they hiding in there? Bath towels? Throw pillows? A microwave? Continue reading
I’ve decided to ditch my usual New Year’s resolutions. The odds that I’ll actually become uber-fit, learn to meditate or cut back on coffee are—and here, I’m making a rough calculation—zero. Instead, for my 2017 New Year’s resolution, I’ve decided to focus on worrying my kids. Now, hear me out: Continue reading
Last week, I decided to try my hand at picture framing—I decided to try one of those DIY projects that I love to watch on decorating shows. All things considered, I think it went pretty well. And by “all things considered,” I mean that I still have 10 fingers and the vacuum is working, again.
Here’s what happened: I’d been given some old black and white photos of my parents (their baby pictures, pictures from when they were dating—that sort of thing). Continue reading
These days, my favorite breakfast is plain yogurt topped with pomegranate seeds and Bran Buds. The Bran Buds are there because they’re loaded with sugar, which helps hide the fact that plain yogurt—although healthy—tastes like solidified goat snot.
The problem is the pomegranates. Continue reading
It’s almost Christmas. Which means—as it does every year—that the furry little jerks are sneaking indoors, again.
Wednesday morning, I found a dead mouse in the living room. My two cats—who had managed to kill the mouse, even though they’re old, fat and declawed—sat proudly nearby. I picked up the mouse and did my heebie-jeebie dance to the garbage can. Problem solved, right?
Wrong. Continue reading